Possible reality check here

It has occurred to me that the longer I am away from work, the less I want to go back. It's not because I don't love what I do, but I'm really wondering....when I am there, I feel like I am needed, and the need is strong. I feel like I am really helping kids who need extra support, but then, when I have days like today, where I ache, and I am teary because I feel like a failure with everything I try, I wonder if going back this spring is really what I should do....time will tell.

Frailty

Yesterday I went out to get a haircut, and when I came back, B told me about his mother falling down concrete steps at work as she went into the basement of her bank. She cut her head, which required five stitches, and she broke her wrist. B's cousin went to meet her at the ER, and she was promptly discharged after receiving treatment and having a battery of tests run on her.

We decided to go to his hometown, which is about 45 minutes from here. She was at the cousin's house, so we went to see her there. What B saw was a little unnerving, and for me, it just served as a reminder of how frail we can become.

Her forearm was wrapped in a bandage, and she had a huge ice pack sitting on it. Her left eye started to swell and bruise from the cut up on her forehead. And well, she just looked frail, sitting there on the sofa, eyes half-opened, and clearly shaken from the whole experience. This may have been the first time B has ever seen his mother as the vulnerable human being that she is, and it bothered him.

After we left his cousin's house, we went into her house to see what food she needed. This is the part I hate the most, and it conjures up images from when my dad went into the ER in October, 2001 and we went back to his house to get his belongings.

When someone goes into the hospital unexpectedly, she has no idea that someone else may see how she had been living up until that point. No one lives in a perfectly kept house, but sometimes, secrets are revealed when she least expects it; and for those who discover the secret, feelings of worry, disbelief and unease prevail.

When my dad went into the hospital, we discovered several things: first, that he had taken a bad fall when he had a seizure, and told no one. The evidence left was a broken chair on the balcony. The second was that he was trying to end his vomiting by making and eating TONS of Jello. The evidence: several empty bowls of red Jello in the kitchen. He got the idea for this from when I had the stomach flu 13 years earlier and the doctor had me eat Jello to help ease the nausea. Another bit of evidence left behind were the countless packs of medicine on the kitchen counter that he had been using to try and treat himself. The most damning of all evidence: a giant box of wine, which he later swore was not his (yes, dad, and the cigarettes you smelled really came from my friend...). When we found these things, we were in total disbelief. I also felt guilt for seeing what he had been going through, but never bothered to tell anyone about.

For B's mother, we were in disbelief for other reasons. As we stepped into the kitchen, we saw weeks and weeks of mail scattered and stacked about in the kitchen. It was all over the kitchen table, on the counters, in her office, and in B's old room. EVERYWHERE. Countless pairs of shoes were not far off from the piles of mail, and save for a can of almonds and a bag of cookies sitting on the counter, we could tell that she had been trying to lose weight by drinking drink mixes and eating frozen dinners. Not that I could fault her for that. Living alone, you don't really feel compelled to cook very much.

As I walked around her house, I couldn't help but think of my dad when he was sick. Looking at all of this, I wondered what was going on. I had been there before, but it was always an announced visit, and she had usually managed to straighten the house before we came. This time, we caught her with her pants down, and it wasn't pretty.

I grew increasingly worried as I looked through the contents of the wreckage. Old bills and coupons were intermingled, newspapers were unopened...it was just a mess. Thankfully, B said that this is normal for her, so my unease relented.

Less than 24 hours later, I can't shake the feeling of unease about her. From what we saw, one thing was obvious: she needs to sell the house and move into a condo. The house and its upkeep are just too much for her. I got the sense that she is overwhelmed in her life, and some of the unnecessary weight needs to be taken off her shoulders. She has been at her bank for 40 (yes 40) years, and she is also managing the finances of her church, and in between, she is also taking care of elderly people, and of course worrying about her son being ready for the baby.

It's been eight years since my dad fell ill, and in that time, I have had to cognitively distance myself from the risks associated with living alone. He has fallen several times since, but thankfully has not broken anything. I hate hearing about his missteps and I do not want to go through what I went through with him before, but we also have our own life to live, and we deserve the chance to start a new family and a new life, just like every other younger couple.

I hope that this fall served as a good reminder to B's mom that she is not invulnerable to injury, that her life is just as precious as everyone else's. It definitely opened up B's eyes, and served as a reminder that as much as we would like to, we just can't move wherever we want, and assume that nothing will happen to our parents if we do. Like it or not, we have two parents who are growing older, and eventually both of them will need care, and it will most likely be from the both of us. I don't like it, but I have just had to accept this as fact.

In the meantime, I can take comfort in knowing that we are not far from either of them if they should show their true and frail colors once again.

3x5

This morning as I drove to work, I played John Mayer's album, "Room for Squares" from my iPod. As I heard the first tune, I skipped forward to a song, called 3x5, I used to listen to as I drove to class at JMU, which was an hour from my house. It became a ritual for me, and something I looked forward to doing every time I hit the road. It is a beautiful song, if you haven't heard it. I'm fairly certain hearing it the first time while I drove over the mountain was coincidental, but it was perfect for the scenery.

I'm writing you to
catch you up on places I've been

You held this letter
probably got excited, but there's nothing else inside it
didn't have a camera by my side this time

Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way with words

Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliche'
And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky
are next to mountains anyway

Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way
but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
just no more 3x5's

Guess you had to be there
Guess you had to be with me

Today I finally overcame
tryin' to fit the world inside a picture frame

Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to
lose my way but let me say

You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life

You'll be with me next time I go outside
no more 3x5's
just no more 3x5's

I do love this song. As I drove to school today, images of the slate blue mountains sliding by my car window, touched with pink and purple highlights, came back to me. And then I wondered, how long ago was that? Five years. That's it. Five years! How my life has changed in that time! In that time, I got a Master's, moved in with B, moved to Virginia Beach, got married, went to the Bahamas and Europe, and now I'm sitting here feeling my baby kick as I type.

Those drives over the mountain seem like a lifetime ago, and yet in the grand scheme of things, 5 years is a flash! And when I list out what has happened in the five years since, I think to myself that life has been pretty awesome! Before these past five years, I thought the highlight of my existence was getting to work for Disney, meeting a president, and meeting Pat Conroy, who also signed my journal, which I still have.

Does everyone's life flash by like this, or have I just been lucky? Is there a point at which all of these things end, or does it take just greater dedication towards making your life the best that it can be, whenever and wherever possible? I think it probably just takes more determination to not let life suck as you get older, to continue to do things that expand your horizons both internally and externally.

I can say, without a doubt, that my traveling this past summer has not silenced the urge to travel. If anything, it was just a morsel to whet my appetite, but I know that we are not done with traveling. I want to see more and do more, and for some reason, I don't think it won't be possible once the baby is born. I don't think it would be easier to do, but I think if we really want it to happen, it will. We just need to be patient, and do what we can, when we can.

And the best part of all of this is that all of this will pale in comparison to the birth of our son. I just can't wait.

Really?

So Virginia has elected a Republican for governor. Wow! That has never happened before....except, it has. It happened in '74, '78, '82, '98, and '02. (Prior to the 70s, the Democrats ruled, but at that time, they were the Dixiecrats, who were in favor of segregation.) If the gap in years are noted, one can safely assume that the Republicans are always given a fair chance, and yet somehow the no tax, increase spending rule has gotten our state into trouble every time they take office. As history repeats itself, voters were tired of how the economy was faring, and so McDonnell has been voted in.

The press is saying that this is a referendum on Obama's policies. Really? Personally, I am not sure why Creigh Deeds wanted to be governor, and he never expressed his message in an effective manner. I believe that those who did turn out, turned out to vote for McDonnell because they knew who he was and what he stood for. By the same token, I was never really sure why McCain wanted to be president, as his message was never clear either.

I believe that national news networks need to stop trying to draw connections where there are few. It isn't at all surprising that a Republican won. We go back and forth between one guy or the other, and none of them deliver on their promises.

Also, there is one aspect that they are failing to mention: the economy. Whenever the economy goes down the drain, whoever is in office is blamed; and if it happens to be his election season, he's screwed. Should the economy have begun to turn around by the end of Kaine's term, the outcome may have been vastly different. After all, Kaine rode on Warner's coattails.

Warner governed over the state at the end of the recession, and was given much praise for turning the state around, which more than likely would have happened anyway, as economies tend to go through a natural cycle. And yes, even though this current recession has been nasty, it does not defy logic. Laws of physics state that the higher and faster something rises, the harder and faster it will fall. In fact, upon its decline, it picks up momentum and force, all to make for one big mess, which is what we are still in, despite the signs of growth.

So, was this a vote of no confidence on Obama? No. Was it true to Virginia's mercurial nature? Yes. Remember, we have always been prone to voting one way, and then changing our minds. Virginia was not the first to break away from its mother country, but once it changed its mind, it changed in a big way. That's our history, and it will repeat.

On a more personal note, I truly hope that as a teacher, I do not suffer the consequences of this poorly played election. Every governor campaigns on the platform of education, claiming to be the candidate who cares. The only problem is that unless you have taught kids yourself, your own understanding of teaching and education are limited by what you have experienced or what you perceive. So, those who have no background in education make decisions about education that affect us all. I just hope to see education continue to improve. I don't want to see anyone lose his/her job over a political fight that has nothing to do with us. Inevitably, it will happen. But that's okay. It's only four years.