A few thoughts

As a few already know, last night was quite emotionally draining for me. Over the course of about 4 hours (but not continuously), B and I had a very long discussion that we have had many times in the past. To summarize, it went like this:

B: I don't like where we're living.

Me: So do you want to live in this area at all.

B: No.

Me: Okay, then we can move.

B: But where?

Me: Raleigh, Richmond, Charlottesville, NoVa...

B: That's too many choices and I don't trust that you really want to move and give up your job and friends.

Me: get a therapist.

Okay, so it was more than that, but that's about it. I told him that my primary concern is our baby, and that's it. Yes, I care that he's unhappy at his job. He never has been happy since he started there, and I am tired of it, so I am okay with moving. I make friends pretty much wherever I go. I'll miss the coast, but I will be fine.

I don't regret our moving here. It has been good for us in many ways, but when he took the position he has now, he had major reservations about it, and it never quite worked the way we had hoped. I had hoped he would have been able to change departments and do something else, but then the recession hit, and well, he's been stuck. He never wanted to move back here, and then he is doing something he never really wanted to do, so here we are. But still, I want to get over a major hill that we have coming, and that's the birth of our son.

Today I had lunch with a good friend of mine who made me realize a couple of things. First, to backtrack, on top of B being all existential on me, I was also starting to worry about how I would cope with the baby once I go back to work. The answer is, I'll figure it out. But at the time, I was anxious with worry. But as I talked to my friend, I realized that even though going back to work will be a challenge, I will need it. I'll need it because I have a built in group of women who are there to support me. I'll need it because I know I will need to have a sense of identity beyond that of just being a mother. I've always known that about myself, but talking with K reminded me of these truths.

Of course, I know things could change, and he could be a difficult baby, and I may have to stay home. But if not, then I think I will need my work to keep me sane. I already love the little guy, and he's not even 2 pounds yet! But because I love him, and myself, I will have to make some sacrifices that hopefully will pay off. I believe that having a parent who is fully happy with her life is more important than being at home and unhappy. Babies and children pick up on adults' emotions, and I think if I am unhappy, it will make him more unhappy. Maybe I'm wrong, and things will change, but for now, I'm not going to worry because I know I will deal with whatever comes our way, and it will be amazing.

Was it the Right Thing To Do?

Today was a day I will likely never forget, but would very much like to. It's the 8 year anniversary of 9/11/01, and no matter how hard I try, I can't forget it. At school, we were sent a link to a children's video lesson on 9/11. I didn't want to show it, but thought I would. When the kids started talking excitedly about getting to watch the Towers fall, I decided not to show it because they were babies when it happened, and I didn't think they would understand it any better if they watched a cartoon about it. Plus, it is still painful for me....

It isn't just because of what happened on that day, but it's also because of the aftermath of that day that we are all still living through. On a more personal note, I am also deeply affected by the loss of the father I knew before 9/11.

My dad has lived in Virginia since 1976, but he will always be a New Yorker. When the planes hit the WTC, it was he who called my sister as she drove B and I to the airport to catch our plane back into DC. He was about to begin a new job as a financial advisor for a company that was based in the WTC, but once the attacks happened, he had ample time to sit and drink in his depression about the loss of a part of his hometown, and he also had ample time to sit and watch the news constantly replay the footage of the planes crashing into the buildings and the buildings' subsequent collapse, with a bottle of vodka at his side.

All of the drinking worsened his illness, chronic pancreatitis. He drank to the point where he began having delusions and then he had seizures. He eventually went to the hospital, and was in a coma for a week from his pancreas essentially consuming his own blood. He stayed in the hospital for 6 months, and even though he survived, I lost the dad I knew, and had to get to know the new man that only mimicked my father. Although he had pancreatitis for years before 9/11, I know that that day affected him deeply and profoundly. He used to tell me, "your brother and I made models that went into the lobby of that building. When I was younger, I looked at the Towers and truly believed that those buildings stood for our great country."

In 2000, I had to train for my new position as a tech support analyst for a financial data company in Hoboken, NJ. The PATH station I went to was the same station where I saw workers from the WTC pour on and off the trains during rush hour. At sunset, looking across the river from Hoboken, I could see the Towers, which were otherwise unattractive, glow purple in the dusk. To me, it was beautiful. Less than a year later, the Towers were gone, and I am still haunted by images of the men and women coming off the train to go home after a long day at work. I wonder who survived, and I know that train will never run again, as it was crushed when the buildings fell. On 9/11 I silently cried as I thought of the analysts who worked in this buildings that I helped. I still have no idea who lived and who died. I'd like to think that many of them escaped, and I'll hold onto that hope.

In the year after that day, New Yorkers were still filing obituaries of all of the firemen who sacrificed their lives as they rushed into the Towers. I went to visit my family in Long Island, and I was shocked by the pages of obituaries. To me it was shocking. To them, I am sure it was just another day. The thought that those men ran in when everyone else ran out still sends chills throughout my body.

Every year I move on, and yet on this day I am forced to remember the pain of those times. Maybe I should have chosen to show the video. Maybe I need to detach myself from it more, and maybe it wasn't the right thing to do. Or maybe it's okay, and I am allowed to not want my kids to relive something they know nothing of, and hopefully never will.

The Woes of Pregnancy

I'll start off by saying that pregnancy isn't nearly as bad as I imagined it to be. My sister experienced what I perceive to have been hellacious pregnancies; constant nausea and vomiting, moodiness, all sorts of various side effects that made me dread being pregnant. To that extent I can most certainly say that I am so sorry my sister went through what she did, but I am also very thankful that I have not had the same experiences she had. I know, I'm only 23 weeks along, but all in all, I really haven't had it so bad.

Then there' the BUT....

But, when I feel badly, I really feel badly, and it isn't so much physical, but emotional. I'm not saying I walk around in a cloud of depression. I don't. But on days when I feel moody, all I want to do is get out of my funk, which I invariably do, and usually within the day.

The past 24 hours have not been fun. All at once, I have felt happy to have what I do, undesirable because of my expanding stomach, beautiful because of the changes I am going through and remorseful for experiencing mood swings that are on par with PMS for me. In short, I am a mess on some days. It sucks.

Today B and I went to Colonial Williamsburg and decided to sit on a bench in the shade, as the breeze cooled us off. He could tell I was "off" and I told him that I don't feel desirable. I feel fat and ugly, even though I KNOW I am not. He looked at me and said, "How can you feel undesirable? You're carrying our child! I don't see what says that you're more desirable than that." Well, that put me in my place. And, he's right.

So now I feel calm and relaxed, and quite pleased with myself for walking three or more miles around the area. Just now, B came in, grabbed the remote and turned the channel to one of my creature comforts: Friends. He said he thought I'd like that better than what was on, and he was right. I am glad I have him to keep me grounded as I go through this. I guess I should say, "as WE go through this," because this is a shared journey. Thank goodness I have someone to share it with along the way.