A few thoughts

As a few already know, last night was quite emotionally draining for me. Over the course of about 4 hours (but not continuously), B and I had a very long discussion that we have had many times in the past. To summarize, it went like this:

B: I don't like where we're living.

Me: So do you want to live in this area at all.

B: No.

Me: Okay, then we can move.

B: But where?

Me: Raleigh, Richmond, Charlottesville, NoVa...

B: That's too many choices and I don't trust that you really want to move and give up your job and friends.

Me: get a therapist.

Okay, so it was more than that, but that's about it. I told him that my primary concern is our baby, and that's it. Yes, I care that he's unhappy at his job. He never has been happy since he started there, and I am tired of it, so I am okay with moving. I make friends pretty much wherever I go. I'll miss the coast, but I will be fine.

I don't regret our moving here. It has been good for us in many ways, but when he took the position he has now, he had major reservations about it, and it never quite worked the way we had hoped. I had hoped he would have been able to change departments and do something else, but then the recession hit, and well, he's been stuck. He never wanted to move back here, and then he is doing something he never really wanted to do, so here we are. But still, I want to get over a major hill that we have coming, and that's the birth of our son.

Today I had lunch with a good friend of mine who made me realize a couple of things. First, to backtrack, on top of B being all existential on me, I was also starting to worry about how I would cope with the baby once I go back to work. The answer is, I'll figure it out. But at the time, I was anxious with worry. But as I talked to my friend, I realized that even though going back to work will be a challenge, I will need it. I'll need it because I have a built in group of women who are there to support me. I'll need it because I know I will need to have a sense of identity beyond that of just being a mother. I've always known that about myself, but talking with K reminded me of these truths.

Of course, I know things could change, and he could be a difficult baby, and I may have to stay home. But if not, then I think I will need my work to keep me sane. I already love the little guy, and he's not even 2 pounds yet! But because I love him, and myself, I will have to make some sacrifices that hopefully will pay off. I believe that having a parent who is fully happy with her life is more important than being at home and unhappy. Babies and children pick up on adults' emotions, and I think if I am unhappy, it will make him more unhappy. Maybe I'm wrong, and things will change, but for now, I'm not going to worry because I know I will deal with whatever comes our way, and it will be amazing.