A Few Thoughts

This morning as I prepared for the day, I went onto CNN and read about Colin Powell's fight with the Republican Party. In this article, Rush Limbaugh is said to have accused Powell of being outdated and out of touch with Republicans, and a has been that was part of the losers of the party. 

Um, am I missing something? Limbaugh has been blowing his pompous, ignorant wind for the last 15 years, at least, and at a time during which his party was in control of Congress, and later went on to nominate W and continue to secure a Republican majority in Congress. Losers? Maybe within the past three years, when the nation was tired of people like Cheney and Limbaugh, but I find it amusing that he is actually forgetting his own history with the party over the past 15 years. Maybe it was all of the prescription drugs he's been addicted to. In any event, someone's memory needs to be checked. Also, outdated and tired? Kettle, you are black as coal.

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Today Obama nominated a female for the Supreme Court who is also Latina, and has more years of judicial experience than the other justices in the court at the time of nomination. While I read comments about her on the web, I found the following statement to be the most laughable: she's a judicial activist who believes that judges should made policy from the bench. Oh right, judicial activist=bad judge. 

But wait, here's a little secret:

Judges have, and always will, affect US policy. It's how our country works. If judges didn't take on this role, our world would be very different from where it is now. If they didn't, segregation would still exist. If they didn't, there are so many rights that could have been taken away long ago. 

I know many people believe the judicial system doesn't work. Maybe this is my semi-legal background talking, but I believe in the judicial system. Sure, some judges are wrong, but that's why there are so many jurisdictions and levels to move through, which is also why there are 9 judges on the court, and not just one. Thank God there are no juries at that level. Could you imagine a jury trying to decipher constitutional law? The thought frightens me. 

No, judges have a vital role in this country, and they have always been extremely important throughout our history. I want an activist judge because I want a judge who won't be afraid to say no to the president or anyone else. Their decisions should be based on law, and not personal opinions or favoritism. 

In recent years, my favorite case is the one in which the SC ruled that the Bush Administration could not  hold the Gitmo detainees indefinitely without a reason. I believe Scalia was the dissenting opinion (surprise surprise), but in this case, despite the terrible turn our country took, I saw, once again, the the court worked. In light of Bush v. Gore (which is the most laughable case), they redeemed themselves, in my eyes. 

So those are my thoughts for the day.

Reminder

Sometimes, as the days of school streak by like a high speed train train, I sometimes forget why it was that I got into teaching. 

I remember writing a mission statement when I was in grad school, and I essentially said that I wanted to teach because I wanted to make a difference in the world. I thought to really make a difference, then I needed to work in a tougher school. 

Well, things didn't really work out that way, and sometimes, as I look out at my kids, who are all fairly well off and sheltered, I wonder to myself just why I am doing this. Sure, I love what I do, but why? It's not for the summer vacation. That alone is not enough to make one endure the constant stresses placed upon a teacher on a regular basis. Today, I was given a reminder.

Each year I teach my students about civil rights and the civil rights movement of the 50s and 60s. For me, it is an especially important unit to teach because we still see the effects of that era today play out in neighborhoods across the country. As long as I have lived in Virginia, I am always shocked when I hear people use the N word when they think they are close enough to me to be comfortable. I am never comfortable with it, and it's because of what I learned about the era in which people were willing to risk their lives for change. I have never accepted people's reasons for using the word, as it is and always will be a hateful word, no matter who says it, black or white. 

Today I showed my kids a video that had news footage from the 50s and 60s that included the Little Rock 9, MLK, Malcom X, Rosa Parks, as well as the KKK, signs with words "Go Home N-----" written on them and cops with fire hoses beating back protestors. They also saw (after I told some to put their heads down if they didn't want to see) Bloody Sunday, in which police literally trampled over protestors with their horses. The kids were visibly shaken. I stopped the video and we talked about how they felt about what they saw, and many of them were upset.  

In addition to the footage from that time, much of it was about how the youth of that time were many of the champions for change, and how they made a difference. To close the lesson, I asked the kids how what happened then impacts their lives today. I had them write their thoughts and post them on the board. They didn't have to write their names, so they felt okay sharing what they felt. 

Although the kids were upset, I told them that it's okay to be sad about it, because it means that they care. 

The best part, for me, was that one student told me that in her neighborhood, someone had sprayed the N word on a sign. She said that people were staring at it, but they didn't know what to do. She told me that she now knows what to do: take down or clean off the sign. I told her to talk to her mom, but I thought it was a great idea. 

I'm sure I could be called a rabble rouser, but if there's anything I want my kids to walk away knowing after being with me for a year, I want them to know that it's okay to stand up for your rights, to always try to make a difference and sometimes choosing the right thing is sometimes choosing the hardest path to take.

And that is why I teach. I can make a difference.

The Ghost Locker

Today was the day for my students to learn how to open a combination lock as part of getting ready to go to middle school. Each student was given a lock with a combination, and they practiced opening their locks over and over again. At one point, the teacher leading the lesson told the kids that it would be a good idea to write down the combination when they go to middle school, in case they forget. Wise advice, indeed, unless you're afraid of someone getting a hold of it. As narcissistic as kids can be, this is why many don't write it down, and I was one of them.

My senior year in high school was probably the best year of school for me. Coming into my own and feeling more secure, I abandoned old ways of doing things in favor of less complicated, more relaxed ways, of which included ending my long trips to my locker in between classes. When my second semester began, I found that my locker was far away from all of my classes, and so I decided to carry all of my books in my backpack. Consequently, I also forgot my locker combination. 

I am usually really good at memorizing numbers (I still know my childhood phone number like the back of my hand), but because I went to my locker so infrequently even at the start of the year, the numbers faded away into the recesses of my memory, replaced by thoughts of guys I liked and what I would do with my friends that weekend. 

As the days and months of my senior year speedily flew along, I sometimes thought of at least going to clean out my locker, if nothing else. To do this, I had to go to the front office to get my combination, and I was too embarrassed to do that. Me, admit I had forgotten something? No way! So, I never went back. I still wonder, what was left in there? And for whoever got it next, what would they find?

The locker still creeps into my dreams from time to time. In a foggy stupor, I am looking for something, and that red locker appears, with my old binder laying at the bottom, with rotting food stinking up the hall. 

As a teacher, I realize that the locker was likely cleaned out by the custodians over the summer, but still, the ghost of that locker haunts my subconscious. 

It's funny how things from the past can haunt us, making us always wonder or feel guilt. In those fretful thoughts we imagine things to be much worse than they ever were. The power of the mind is an amazing thing.

When my kids grow up, I will be sure to tell them never to be afraid of making a mistake. It's better to deal with it then, rather than having thoughts about it years and years later. The guilt and burden borne by such thoughts are usually ridiculously overblown, and just not even worth it.

Wishes

So I know this goes against my previous rant of pop culture's obsession with celebrities, but I have a little thought on the whole stupid debacle with the couple Jon and Kate, of Jon and Kate plus Eight, which goes on from there. 

As I ate my dinner with B, I listened to the sensationalist headlines blaring from Entertainment Tonight. Among tonight's headlines were new allegations involving the couple of TLC fame. I thought a little bit about both the husband and wife, and I could honestly see how both of them could lose it a little over time, having 8 kids. But then, I thought that they did it to themselves.

They already had two kids. They wanted a third and had trouble, so she took fertility drugs, and lo and behold, sextuplets! I suppose the old adage, "be careful what you wish for" is entirely appropriate here. 

In many cases, couples use fertility treatments when they have tried for years and years to conceive, to no avail. I have a friend who was in that boat. She had a treatment done, and she had twins 10 months later. She is blissfully happy because she wanted them so badly and appreciates what she has now. 

For Jon and Kate, however, I believe that had they fully appreciated what they had with their first two children, they wouldn't have been compelled to seek treatment to conceive a third. Sure, they wouldn't have become famous, but maybe they should have been better people who had actually done something good to truly deserve their fame. 

No, in this case you have a couple that was lucky enough to have two healthy children, they had trouble with their third child, and rather than saying, "you know, we're lucky to have what we do, and we're okay to not have a third," they went and made things many times more difficult for everyone, especially the first two children. At some point those two children will question their parents' actions, as all people do.

As I continued to chew my salad and chicken, my thoughts wandered further to celebrities who continue to adopt children from "third world" countries. Thoughts of Madonna petitioning such countries to allow her to adopt, as well as photos of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt shielding their children from various paparazzi flashing their blinding bulbs, come to my mind. I wonder, why do they really do it?

Sure, it's easy enough to say that they want to help a child who will never have the same opportunities as a child from the United States (if it is in the right demographic and SES), but really, if they wanted to truly help, they would do more towards education, healthcare and sanitation (drinking water) in those countries. So if they aren't really doing it for the children's homeland, then why?

I believe it stems from many actors' underlying need for constant validation to fill their insecure minds. If you've ever known an actor, you have known a person who is at once, a lover of the spotlight, and at the same time, laden with their own insecurities, fueled by the skeletons in their closets.  Obviously this isn't true of all actors, but in the case of the actors who are relatively sane, they are also not the ones hopping around the world to adopt every child they find, whom they also pity (and by "saving" them, they are pumping up their own egos to make them feel as if they are better human beings).  Interviews may reveal a kinder, gentler celebrity who has been so good to do this for a child, but really, it isn't for the child. It's for the almighty ego. 

Also, if it were simply to help, then why didn't Oprah just adopt all of the young girls she met in Africa? Certainly she could afford it, but the countries from which the children come still have a future lying ahead. An uneducated society is a doomed society, that much I am sure of (and I certainly wonder about out own country's future). I believe it is better to build a school for the future, rather than removing the people from their homes.

All of this leads me in the way of questioning why many people choose to become parents. As the child of someone who used motherhood as a way to fill a long ago created emotional void, I have felt the consequences of being the daughter of a highly insecure parent. As kids like us grow up, we realize why they had us, and it isn't always a great feeling to have. 

As for me, I am going to be a parent because I want to be a mom. As a mom, I will have the amazing and frightening role of being the one to guide a child (hopefully) in the right direction, even though it's still all a crapshoot, when you get down to it. 

I am going to be a parent because I want my family to have a future. I want my days to be filled with sights and sounds of kids, of extreme amazement and frustration and everything in between. I hope I am going to do it for the right reasons. 

Maybe those aren't the right reasons. I'm not really sure what a good reason is, but I am pretty sure that doing it to fill a void is the exact wrong reason. And even though I had to go through hard times with my own mother, I am thankful to have been able to see the downside to doing things for certain reasons. The problem with trying to fill a vacuum is that it has no end. Nothing will ever fully fill it, and so everyone involved in the efforts suffers. 

Why?

Can someone please tell me why I am supposed to care about a singer like Rihanna, and whether or not she got her jewels back, or whether or not someone named Fox is into a Twilight star, or any other high school-esque issue?

Each day I go to the "news" online and intermixed with headlines about some real stories are headlines such as "Fox doesn't go for Twilight star." Now I am guessing that the news agencies are trying to capture a younger audience, but is posting it on their website really going to grab that attention? I say, know your market and your demographic, and stick to it. Because in reality, I seriously doubt there are many eighteen year olds going onto CNN.com to check their news. It's sad to say, but true, and interspersing real news with this crap is just plain annoying.

Loss

When people first meet me, within the first few weeks, they come to learn that my mother and I do not speak. When they ask why, in so many words I say that she has mental illnesses that prevent me from having any sort of a relationship with her. Once people REALLY get to know me, they learn of the depths of my mother's insanity (she really believed she was an astronaut). They marvel at how I survived as her daughter, and how it is that I am not completely insane myself. I think, though, having survived my mother is a lot like being a cancer survivor.

When people beat cancer, they often take on a new outlook on life. They enjoy life more. They know what it's like to face death and to have beaten it. My cousin is a prime example. He suffered Leukemia for many years as a child. If you were to meet him today, as a 35-year old, you would never suspect that he had such a hard childhood, which included spending several months in a full body cast in the hospital when he was only 14 or 15. He loves life. He appreciates the small things in life and takes notice of all of the little details in life that make it worth living. In short, he is an amazingly wonderful person whose spirit and humor can lift the lowest of moods. He became that way because of what he had been through, not because he had everything easy. I think if everything was easy for him, he wouldn't be the same person that he is today. And even though I have not had to face cancer, which terrifies me, I can relate.

I think that when people go through hard times, it defines who they are and who they will be. When adversity faces, there are two choices to make: fight it or let it beat you. It's as simple as that. There is nothing in between. Those who beat the challenge will rise above it and become better and stronger than they were before. Those who choose to let it beat them, whether through drinking, drugs, depression, etc, are the depressing stories that people shake their heads to, make excuses, and say, "He had such potential...." No, he just made the wrong choice. In my case, and in my cousin's, we both fought, and we won. In the aftermath of the battle, instead of seeing that grey shadows and the sadness left behind, we see the light on the hill, the flowers illuminated by the glowing sun, and everything that makes life what it can be: beautiful. 

There is a flip side to survival: fear of repeating the past. Although my cousin lives life to the fullest, he is also terrified of having cancer again. He knows the pain and never wants to go through that again. For me, I avoid drama and conflict where I can, and when I meet people who I feel will bring me pain, I do what I can to avoid them. I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do, but I don't think steering clear of a toxic person is necessarily a bad thing.