Loss

When people first meet me, within the first few weeks, they come to learn that my mother and I do not speak. When they ask why, in so many words I say that she has mental illnesses that prevent me from having any sort of a relationship with her. Once people REALLY get to know me, they learn of the depths of my mother's insanity (she really believed she was an astronaut). They marvel at how I survived as her daughter, and how it is that I am not completely insane myself. I think, though, having survived my mother is a lot like being a cancer survivor.

When people beat cancer, they often take on a new outlook on life. They enjoy life more. They know what it's like to face death and to have beaten it. My cousin is a prime example. He suffered Leukemia for many years as a child. If you were to meet him today, as a 35-year old, you would never suspect that he had such a hard childhood, which included spending several months in a full body cast in the hospital when he was only 14 or 15. He loves life. He appreciates the small things in life and takes notice of all of the little details in life that make it worth living. In short, he is an amazingly wonderful person whose spirit and humor can lift the lowest of moods. He became that way because of what he had been through, not because he had everything easy. I think if everything was easy for him, he wouldn't be the same person that he is today. And even though I have not had to face cancer, which terrifies me, I can relate.

I think that when people go through hard times, it defines who they are and who they will be. When adversity faces, there are two choices to make: fight it or let it beat you. It's as simple as that. There is nothing in between. Those who beat the challenge will rise above it and become better and stronger than they were before. Those who choose to let it beat them, whether through drinking, drugs, depression, etc, are the depressing stories that people shake their heads to, make excuses, and say, "He had such potential...." No, he just made the wrong choice. In my case, and in my cousin's, we both fought, and we won. In the aftermath of the battle, instead of seeing that grey shadows and the sadness left behind, we see the light on the hill, the flowers illuminated by the glowing sun, and everything that makes life what it can be: beautiful. 

There is a flip side to survival: fear of repeating the past. Although my cousin lives life to the fullest, he is also terrified of having cancer again. He knows the pain and never wants to go through that again. For me, I avoid drama and conflict where I can, and when I meet people who I feel will bring me pain, I do what I can to avoid them. I'm not sure if that's the right thing to do, but I don't think steering clear of a toxic person is necessarily a bad thing.