I'll just say that the past month has been a blur. It all started with my birthday and a tickle in my throat. I had a great weekend with my family, but all the while, I had a sore throat, which progressed into a full-blown cold, that hit its high point the following Friday when I called in sick...and I have been catching up ever since.
This past weekend I started to make some headway into figuring out a few things about what I have been grappling with, as a mother, a wife...and just me in general.
Last week I told B that I wasn't very happy with a few things. In general, I am happy, but in other ways, I haven't been. I think it's been coming from my expectations both with myself and with my world. First, I expect myself to always give everyone 100% of me, which is absolutely impossible. Because I've been trying to achieve the unattainable, I have felt as though I am constantly ramming my head into a wall; at first it may not hurt that much, but after a while, it's one big painful mess. And basically I have to stop it.
I need to see what others see and not worry so much about what I think I should be doing, rather than what I am actually doing. On the outside, most people see a woman who has her shit together. I've always given off this air of confidence and composure, whether real or not, that has had others either admire me, or hate me, depending on their own insecurities--and there are a lot of insecure women out there. Internally, though, I have often felt as though I am coming apart at the seams. I have a feeling I'm not the only one who feels this way. I wonder how many of us feel this way on a daily basis. I bet it's quite many.
Why do we do these things to ourselves? Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to do everything and be everything to everybody? Men don't put this pressure on themselves. I think maybe we could learn a few things from how men act in this world. We judge them for being "selfish." But it's not selfishness...not really. They just know who they are and don't try to please everyone all of the time. They know that some people won't be happy, and that's just how it is.
As an example, over the weekend, B played games and was online for a total of 3 hours. Granted, they were all done after D went to bed, but still, he had that free time. So I considered how he used his time, and rather than getting mad and rolling my eyes at how he used his time, I thought, "that is not a bad idea."
So, yesterday, I looked at B and said "I am going to have some ME time today." I of course asked if he could handle watching Daniel, and he said it was fine. So, I went out and went shopping and got a coffee. I cannot even tell you just how GOOD that felt to do. I felt more relaxed, less stressed and like my old self. I was only out for an hour and a half, but oh my was it nice. And the best part: I bought some stylish clothes that I am currently wearing. So my hour and a half of me time also impacted today because I liked what I had on, and felt like a young professional mom who has all of her shit together...and I got there by being just a little selfish. Isn't that something?
Oh, and also, when I got home I saw the wreckage from this morning when I had a rough start...but I'm not going to worry about it and get upset. I'll take care of it in a little while...or maybe I won't. Isn't that something?
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