Happy

I have to say I am happy I took the summer off and did not teach. Usually I tutor or do a summer camp, but this year I decided that I would not teach. I have worked on my plans for the upcoming school year, but that's hardly the same thing as working with kids every day. I am most happy with not working because I think it has allowed me not to think about teaching, but to gain insight into myself, my husband, and my family and friends.  

Last spring, as the year wound down, I found myself reminding me to "let go." What that means is that sometimes I am afraid to do things, especially socially, because I have worries and anxieties about things, and I can think of many reasons why I shouldn't do something, when really I'm just making excuses to not do something. So I decided that I need to relax and not be so uptight about people and myself in certain situations. I have had a few friends who I have lost contact with, but for many years made many excuses for why I shouldn't try to get in touch with them. The primary reason was because I thought that if they wanted to talk to me, they would have already tried to get in touch. What I didn't realize is that they were thinking the same thing, and well, someone has to make the first move. So in my effort to "let go," I have regained some lost friends, and made some new ones. One of the friends who I recently contacted is in the area, so she and I are once again friends, and now that I am talking to her again, I see why we were so close years ago. She is smart, insightful, very quick to figure things out, and has a great sense of humor. Another friend I've made is a good friend to one of my best friends who also happens to live in the area. She is another person who will say what is on her mind and is okay with the repercussions of that. Now, being in my profession, there is no way I can completely let go in that way, but I like her because of her candid attitude and sense of humor.

One thing that I am starting to realize is that I shouldn't have to worry so much about what everyone thinks about what I say. I guess I became more worried because of the field I entered, teaching. I was warned by my supervising professor that I needed to be careful of what I say to others because it could be taken the wrong way, and could impact my career in a negative way. I do not dispute this fact, especially when working with others in my field; but I have let this bleed into every other part of my life. And while I'm not saying that I am throwing caution to the wind, or that I won't keep others' feelings in mind when I'm talking, but I also think that when I'm dealing with someone who is a true friend, I don't have to worry as much as I have. I have shied away from socializing with my co-workers because I didn't feel that I can be who I am, but now that I am more comfortable with being at my school, I am feeling less worried about such things--at least in social situations. At the end of the year the other teachers saw a different side of me, the drinking, laughing and talking non-stop side, and they were pleasantly surprised. 

Taking the summer off also allowed me to focus my attention on one of the most important parts of my life: Barry and I. When you work really hard and then fall asleep long before your husband, sometimes communication wanes, and when the summer first started I had a lot of things I needed to sort out in my mind with regard to us. Not to say that I wasn't happy, but I just needed to shift my attention to us. Without going into extensive detail, having this break has been very good for us, in many ways. 

Finally, I had one big realization that has been a guiding factor in deciding where I want to go with my career. I realized that a major reason why I hated being the grade level chair last year was because I hated being the one to cause unrest or unhappiness on my team. In conflict, I am usually the one who tries to bring peace to a conflict, not to create more drama or unhappiness. I thrive when I am helping others. I truly love making other people feel good, whether it's by doing something nice for them, or by teaching them in ways that make them successful. To that end, when I sense that I am causing harm or unhappiness to another, it really makes me unhappy, and it's a major reason why I can't stand it when my husband gets mad at me. I completely know and understand that it just isn't possible for things to be okay at all times, but I certainly don't like being the bearer of bad news. Even when I give a bad grade to someone, I write an encouraging note like "You can do this!" instead of "Study!" or something like that. So I have decided that I most definitely do not want to go into education administration. You may as well write a prescription for Zoloft while someone hires me to be a principal. I think I would be miserable. I would hate for everyone to be mad at me all the time. I know that there's always one person who will never be satisfied, but still, why beg for it? So, in considering the EdS program at UVA, I think it would be a good choice for me. I know even with that I can't make everyone happy, but teaching others how to read is an amazing job to have. 

So yeah, it's been a good summer. ;)