The trouble with working up until the very end of pregnancy isn't the lack of sleep, at least for me. I have been fairly lucky to get sleep, up until this point. The main problem is that my body is in no way prepared to deal with teaching 40 kids all day long, and so my adrenaline kicks in to help me endure the day's progression. So although I may feel fine during the day, 2:30 usually signals my decline, and by 3:00, the adrenaline wears off and I am exhausted. Last night, I was beyond exhausted, and by 1am, I threw in the towel and put in for a sub. Another week damaged.
The rest of the week won't be any better. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my OB, and because I have to get a sub, I can't just step out for an hour and then return. I can't call in for a sub for just an hour, so I have to take the afternoon off. This may sound good, but when you have a deadline approaching, essentially you have to pull and pray: put out the plans, hope the kids do it, and when they take their test, they do well while I'm gone.
The following morning I have two child study meetings, neither of which do I expect any tangible long-term results; which is why a parent and I have initiated testing outside of the district because my faith in the system is perhaps not at its highest. So, again, I will have someone in the room covering for me while I am in those meetings. And then, on Friday, we have a field trip. I will honestly be amazed if the kids are successful this week, as I believe they do not perform as well when I am gone. I suppose they had better get used to it though.
Mentally, I have thrown in the towel. Physically, I know just to try and survive. Whatever I can accomplish between now and the 22nd will be a bonus, and as for everything else, I will just do the best I can. More and more, emphasis is placed on my home life anyway.
Perhaps this is a sign of things to come. I think it is. Perhaps this is my new reality: one with grand ambitions and disappointing realities. I know moms always have to contend with these conflicting issues, and I will join the ranks soon enough. I suppose that right now, along with Braxton-Hicks, the interrupted sleep (I do get up, but then fall back asleep), I am just practicing for the real thing. Thank goodness my profession is one that requires flexibility at all times. My ligaments are still stretching, so I am flexing in more ways than one!
Help me.
1 comment:
Yesterday I had circles under my eyes all day I was so tired. By 5:15 when we were driving Bun to swim practice, I was on autopilot and, as you say, adrenaline. Stupid autopilot must have thought I was taking her to elem school, and I got in the wrong lane, unable to exit to the freeway without being that selfish a-hole who just sits and blocks a lane with their blinker on, and I don't do that kind of thing on principal... I've never missed that turn and didn't realize the left I was going to make to U-turn was a 'no U-turn' which forced me onto the freeway--in the wrong direction, and in the HEAVY RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC direction--with the metering lights on. It took 8 mins just to enter the freeway in the wrong direction so that I could drive a mile and exit to correct that error.
After a few minutes of mentally beating up myself I said aloud to myself as much as anyone, "I'm doing the best I can, and that's the best I can do right now. We may be a few minutes late, but it's okay."
Sometimes it's all we can do to try our best, even if it's not our mental ideal. Hang in there.
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