Reflections

Well, I said I was back, and then I disappeared. Such is life as a working mom with a nearly ten month old. But I need to make it a point to write more, as I need to have some mental clarity. I think writing helps with this.

I'll just say that the past month has been a blur. It all started with my birthday and a tickle in my throat. I had a great weekend with my family, but all the while, I had a sore throat, which progressed into a full-blown cold, that hit its high point the following Friday when I called in sick...and I have been catching up ever since.

This past weekend I started to make some headway into figuring out a few things about what I have been grappling with, as a mother, a wife...and just me in general.

Last week I told B that I wasn't very happy with a few things. In general, I am happy, but in other ways, I haven't been. I think it's been coming from my expectations both with myself and with my world. First, I expect myself to always give everyone 100% of me, which is absolutely impossible. Because I've been trying to achieve the unattainable, I have felt as though I am constantly ramming my head into a wall; at first it may not hurt that much, but after a while, it's one big painful mess. And basically I have to stop it.

I need to see what others see and not worry so much about what I think I should be doing, rather than what I am actually doing. On the outside, most people see a woman who has her shit together. I've always given off this air of confidence and composure, whether real or not, that has had others either admire me, or hate me, depending on their own insecurities--and there are a lot of insecure women out there. Internally, though, I have often felt as though I am coming apart at the seams. I have a feeling I'm not the only one who feels this way. I wonder how many of us feel this way on a daily basis. I bet it's quite many.

Why do we do these things to ourselves? Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to do everything and be everything to everybody? Men don't put this pressure on themselves. I think maybe we could learn a few things from how men act in this world. We judge them for being "selfish." But it's not selfishness...not really. They just know who they are and don't try to please everyone all of the time. They know that some people won't be happy, and that's just how it is.

As an example, over the weekend, B played games and was online for a total of 3 hours. Granted, they were all done after D went to bed, but still, he had that free time. So I considered how he used his time, and rather than getting mad and rolling my eyes at how he used his time, I thought, "that is not a bad idea."

So, yesterday, I looked at B and said "I am going to have some ME time today." I of course asked if he could handle watching Daniel, and he said it was fine. So, I went out and went shopping and got a coffee. I cannot even tell you just how GOOD that felt to do. I felt more relaxed, less stressed and like my old self. I was only out for an hour and a half, but oh my was it nice. And the best part: I bought some stylish clothes that I am currently wearing. So my hour and a half of me time also impacted today because I liked what I had on, and felt like a young professional mom who has all of her shit together...and I got there by being just a little selfish. Isn't that something?

Oh, and also, when I got home I saw the wreckage from this morning when I had a rough start...but I'm not going to worry about it and get upset. I'll take care of it in a little while...or maybe I won't. Isn't that something?

I am back!

Well, it has been quite a while, hasn't it? Not that anyone reads this, but still, it has been a while. Can't imagine what I've been up to!

So much in life has changed in the past year, and in some ways, much is the same. I'm still teaching. I still go to work everyday and come home to a happy place. What's interesting is that when I look back on the years when I came home from work, my mental image of that time is darker. Now when I'm home, it's very bright and energized. I used to come home and raid the fridge and then go spend a good chunk of time online until B came home. Now my afternoon is filled with D crawling around, nursing, and me just barely able to make it into the kitchen to grab something to eat. With all of the activity both at home and work, it's no wonder I've dropped most of my baby weight, give or take 5 pounds! Anyway, when I look back at that time, I don't miss it. I think to myself that life was very dull before D came into the picture. I loved my life with B, but I wouldn't change it back to the way it was. Not for all of the money in the world.

Anyway, I'm going to write more soon, but as I type I hear D talking to B, and I just want to go to bed, for I am one exhausted momma.

Checking in

Well, I have not posted in quite a while because of our brand new baby, who was born on January 4th, 2010. He was technically 2 days early, but actually right on time by my own calendar, as I knew when I ovulated.

So, I am now a part of the mom club. And yes, we do plan to have another, but stop after that.

Hopefully I'll have a little more time to post my random pontifications now that D is a little bit older.

For the record, I have a few brief comments on our nation and the economy.

First, I know we are technically in a recovery, but I think we're still in trouble as a country. The past 8 years of unregulated lending will take at least (my guess) another ten years to truly dig out. I'm not just talking about our country. The whole world got into an orgy of unchecked borrowing and lending, and the hangover has been brutal. Although our country claims the worst is over, the rest of the world isn't making quite such a claim. Given Greece and Portugal's recent SOS, I'd say we ain't seen nothin' yet.

Also, I'm really not sure what to think of our current president these days. I still approve of him as a whole, but I'm not feeling the love for him on a few of his recent initiatives. I believe the so-called healthcare reform has become nothing but a watered down version of the original intent that has pandered to the insurance industry and lobbyists, which basically will do nothing to keep costs down. And although I approve of his tax credit ideas for small businesses, it misses the point that if there is no business to be spoken of, a small business cannot hire employees simply to get a tax credit. It makes no sense. We'll see what happens, and I try to remember that Clinton faced fierce opposition in '93, but right now, I'm not feelin' it dawg.

Resolutions, Schmesolutions

Last night, as I sat through more labor pains, which culminated in a big pile o' nothing (but I still have 4 days to go), I thought about resolutions that people make at the advent of each new year. Here are my thoughts.

According to statistics, only 6% of the people who make resolutions actually follow through on them for the entire year. Despite our gung-ho enthusiasm for losing weight, exercising more and saving money, by February most people go back to their old ways. I think I know why.

If you know you want to lose weight, and set a start date for doing it, you probably aren't as committed to it as you'd like to think. In the meantime, it also gives you a period of time in which you essentially do whatever you want, as far as eating, saving, whatever goes. So to say, "for the new year, I resolve to start a diet and lose ten pounds," probably means that you're actually okay with being ten pounds overweight, and if you don't lose that ten pounds, then it's okay, which is why people who make such resolutions rarely follow through on them. On the plus side, many gyms and companies who cater to such whims are ready and willing to take the profits from such failed dreams.

Same goes for saving money. When I graduated college, I had my first salary-earning job. I was making the most money I had ever made ($28K) in my life, and I wanted to enjoy the fruits of my labor. All throughout college, I envied the other girls who had tons of clothes in their closets. I was not one of those girls. I had to earn the clothes I bought through waiting tables, being a merchandiser for Brita water for a brief stint, and doing whatever else I could to pay rent, bills and buy a few outfits on the side. So when I landed my first job, I had a choice to make: save the money, or spend it. I decided to spend it; and spend it, I did. I also decided that I would start saving money by the age of 25, and I was happy with that.

Meanwhile, my husband began saving money as soon as he was out of college, and I have to say, his savings exceed mine by far. I can't say whether or not he was better off for it in other ways. He hated his furniture, where he lived, his clothes, etc. Meanwhile, I would go ahead and put a coffee table on my credit card and pay it off in 4 payments, rather than dropping all of my money on one table, and I had cash left over each month, just in case. I also bought a keyboard, new bed, furnishings and many other things I wanted to have a decent apartment. Even though I decided I wouldn't worry about saving money for three years, I did manage to have enough money set aside so I could quit working full time and concentrate on grad school full time while working part time.

The point of that little story is that I was okay to not save money for a while, and by putting a deadline on myself, it made it easier to be a little less responsible with my money and to not be as well set as my husband. And I'm actually okay with that. I've still managed to save more than your average 30-something, and I no longer put large ticket items on credit cards. Now saving money is no longer discretionary, it's mandatory.

So I contend that people who put new year's as a date to start losing weight are actually doing themselves a disservice if they TRULY want to lose weight. The time to start is not an arbitrary date, but as soon as you can. It also takes going through your cabinets and throwing out all of those things that held you back from keeping off the weight.

By the same token, if you want to save money, don't wait until a start date. Do it as soon as you know you want to do it. Make a plan for eliminating any outstanding debt, work it into your monthly budget, and as soon as you know what you can comfortably afford to do, do it. Don't wait for new year's. Let the new year be a celebration for all of your accomplishments, not a chance to look back and see where you went wrong and try to make amends with the past. There is, as they say, no time like the present.