Pontificating on Complaining

I am not a complainer. Do I worry? Yes. Do I fear? Do I do everything in my power to make sure that everything that I have control over goes as smoothly as possible in my own life? Yes. Do I complain? No (except I do say I'm tired, but that's not so much a complaint as a statement of fact). My theory: what good does it do? Last night I was thinking about complaining, and the power (or lack thereof) of complaining. I have a theory that usually the biggest complainers are often the ones who never get what they want. And that's not because they are complaining that they never get what they want; rather, they complain to the point that whatever they complain about will become their bane. What am I talking about? Well, let me explain.

We have a lady who cleans our floors, vacuums our rugs and takes out the trash from our classrooms at the end of each day. Yes, she's a custodian. If I simply stated that that's all she is, then I'm doing her a disservice because she is a grandmother, and a very nice person too. She does the stuff that the rest of us don't want to do. She is also supposed to dust in the room. For a custodian, I think that's a bit much. She isn't my maid, and I can clean my desk for myself, thank you very much. I only know she's supposed to dust because several teachers on my hall COMPLAIN vociferously about her cleaning skills and how woefully inadequate they are. The interesting thing is: she dusts my room. I know because the items on my desk are usually a little off kilter when I come in the room, and I can see where there is a clean surface instead of a dusty plain. Have I every complained to anyone about it? Nope. And week after week, my room sparkles. I suppose that those who complain think she won't ever find out who's complaining, but she obviously does. Either that, or there's another force out there to get the women who don't appreciate what they do get, and only see what they don't get. I happen to think that because I always talk to R and have even given her desserts and had her bring in fresh crab to me, and because I have never once complained about her, I have gotten what I would like to have. I don't necessarily need her to dust, but it is nice of her. 

Another story: last summer B and I went to the Bahamas for our honeymoon. Down in the Caribbean, life is much slower. When you go, don't expect your food immediately, or the bus to come with the snap of a finger. No, you have to adjust to THEIR way, not vice versa. I believe this concept is lost on many a tourist. Having worked in a theme park, I try to be a good tourist, not complain and be a good representative of my home country. I know how US tourists are viewed, so I try to not be that way at all. 

So, on our next to last night there, we went to this fantastic restaurant that was highly recommended by websites and tour books alike. Of course, on the one night we happened to go, the head chef was off because he got married that day. Certainly one couldn't be mad about that, right? Well, yes, actually, if your food takes a long time to arrive, and if you are impatient and fail to realize that you are in their home turf, and you have to just go with the flow. So, long story short: we ordered their very popular dish. Every thing came out on time and was delicious. Meanwhile, one couple sat next to us and waited for their food the entire time we were there. Did I feel badly about that? Yes. But did I think they got what they deserved? Absolutely, for the entire time the husband sat there and complained to his wife, the waitstaff, management, you name it. If he thought they'd listen, he would complain. He even had the audacity to complain about the head chef choosing to get married on a Saturday. Why couldn't he have gotten married during the week? the man asked. I could not believe what I was hearing. I listened as I happily ate my food. I have no idea if just being pleasant had anything to do with it, but I do think it shows that sitting and complaining and making everyone miserable is NOT the way to go. 

Granted, I realize I am inadvertently complaining about complaining, but at the same time, I do think there is something to be said about patience and putting yourself into someone else's shoes. Really, think about it: when we complain to our spouses that maybe we don't have enough time with them, or they aren't doing XYZ, does it actually improve the situation, or have we just stirred the pot and made the situation very unpleasant? Is there a way to state how you feel without saying "You don't this" and "You don't that..."I think so. Much like teaching and being with kids, yelling at them about what they didn't do and all of that rarely makes the kids WANT to do what you are yelling about. What they want is for us to shut the hell up, so they comply, just to get us out of their hair. Does that really work, in the end? Does the actual habit improve, or is the compliance only temporary? I have found that what works best is using a calm tone and quieter voice. Somehow the quiet tone is more effective, and I get far better results from talking things our rather than raising my voice. Wisened  veteran teachers (who are also moms) swear by using this method. I now see why. It's also a great thing to do with B, too. Of course, we have all yelled from time to time. Anyone who says they haven't is lying. But, I think it's good to be aware of such things.

Anyway, I just wanted to type out my thoughts. Thanks for reading!