Knee Jerk, Cry and Smile

Those of you who know me well know that I often end up making the best decisions in one impulsive moment. For instance, I got my Master's degree literally on an impulse. I had just gotten back from California visiting my sister. She had just had my niece, who is now 6. I decided I wanted to go back to school on one hot August afternoon. I went to my boss and asked her if she had any objections to me taking a class in the fall. She said no, and the next thing I knew, I was graduating with a Master's in Early Childhood Education. Good decision? Yes. Do I often wonder if I've lost my mind, deciding to teach young minds with nary a clue about the world? Of course. But I don't regret it for one single second.

So today I made another impulsive decision, which, I hope, will not come back to haunt me. I was reading an article online about a real estate deal gone awry, and one of the attorneys who signed the original lease at the heart of this deal had the same first name as my niece and the same maiden name as my mother. So I decided to Google him. He was an attorney in Richmond and is apparently dead. I kept searching around for other people with the same name, and I happened upon a young writer whose style of writing was very much like mine. She has the same last name as my mother. She also had a website that had a "Contact Me," field on it...and so I did. I e-mailed her. I said she didn't have to respond, but she did, within 5 mins. It appears I may have found a cousin of mine. I have to admit that when I got a response back, I started to cry.

Losing a parent is probably one of the hardest things to do deal with. Whether emotionally or physically, dealing with such a loss can be torture, and lingering questions about that parent are always there. I haven't actively searched for living relatives in the past 6 years, but for some reason I really wanted to contact her. It wasn't motivated by strong desire, but rather just sheer curiosity. Apparently, though, it sparked one of those lingering questions about my mother. Who am I? Why am I the way that I am? From reading this woman's writing, I see that I am more like my mother's side than I ever knew. This could explain why sometimes I just don't understand my father at all. The thoughts that occur to him, in their absurdity, just never occur tome . Rash cynicism? Yes. Out and out silliness that he contrives? No. I am hoping that maybe I will begin to understand a little more about myself through my knee-jerk reaction to a field that said "Contact me."

Toilet seat covers: why?

So I was just looking at a house, and I really liked this one bathroom that was mostly blue...and then I saw one of those carpeted toilet seat covers. Why? Why do people put these on toilets?

I just don't get it.

Time out

There's a reason why we all have vacation days built into our schedule...we need time off. Of course, I feel badly for moms who apparently never get vacation days, but nonetheless, I am enjoying my spring break.

Sat-Mon: went to see my dad...was feeling a little off the whole time, as it's only been two weeks since I had the flu, but it was nice to get away.
Monday: drove back home, and watched the Hills with B. Can we say AWKWARD with Heidi and Spencer...and it seems as though Spencer's sister has realized what a complete ASS her brother is, perhaps from watching the shows?

Tuesday: did NOTHING. I took a long nap on the sofa...oh, and I finally got around to downloading songs onto my iPod...and getting rid of a bunch of songs my father uploaded onto my computer. Although I enjoy the Beatles, I don't want to listen to every single song written by them. So, Beatles gone, and Killers and the Fray are now with me. :)

Wed: best day yet. Woke up late...drank coffee, and then got ready to go get a massage, which didn't end up happening. The lady who I was supposed to go to apparently lost her cat and had to cancel. That's okay, I'm getting a free facial and "parafin" soak, although I really don't know what that is. So then I just drove to Macy's and went shopping...got three shirts and two bras. Score! Then, I drove to the beach and went on a long walk...and on the way home I washed my car for the first time in well over a year--yes, it's been that long.

So for as much as I hem and haw over living in this area, being able to do what I did today is pretty cool. How many people can just stop off for a walk on the beach on their way home? Not too shabby...just wish winter here didn't suck so badly as it does.

Wed (today): woke

BTW

If you ever want to get a good laugh (preferably raspy), check out my profile on Classmates.com

Ha!

Smoky lady cough

It's pretty cool. Right now I have a cold....no, I'm getting over the flu. Not cool. Cool part: when I laugh, I get to sound like a raspy old lady who's been smoking all of her life. Ha!

Burp.

Thanking my Lucky Stars

Okay, so I can have a Chicken Little tendency, but when I hear that one of the top five investment banking institutions, Bear Stearns, is having a cash shortage, and the Fed is pumping money to them to keep them afloat...well, me thinks "the sky is falling." When I hear words like "actions like this haven't taken place since the Great Depression.." (though I hardly believe THAT in and of itself), I think "THANK GOD we did NOT buy a house." The last thing B and I need is to have a mortgage payment, and then for B to lose his job, and for us to be one of the millions across the country losing their houses. So for now, until I see a solid sky up above, and fewer scary reports, we'll just continue to save our money and look forward to the rainy day. If it comes, we will be okay. Thank God we didn't buy a house.

I guess in times like this it does force you to take stock of everything and look around and appreciate what you have, and don't get mad about what you don't have. I guess, for that reason, what goes up should and must always come down, eventually. If everything always rose, then we would only continue to be a country of self-indulgent, spoiled brats. Perhaps many people need a good wakeup call. Maybe it is time that we all take a look around and appreciate what we do have, and stop worrying about what we don't have. The last time I think we, as a nation, did that was on 9/11. God forbid we go through that again. Hopefully people will stop trying to think that there really is a pot at the end of the rainbow and stop chasing the dream, only to have the painted arch crashing down upon us.

On the hunt

So I have been MIA since late January. B and I have been on the hunt for a house. We THOUGHT we found the house that we wanted--and we did--just not for the price we would have to pay. With all of the houses that are for sale, I have decided not to give in on what we want for a house. The house we had set our eyes on was big--almost too big--for a couple with no children. I'm thinking maybe this is why couples wait to buy a house until a baby is on the way. In which case, I think they may be on to something. It scares me to think of owning a house with 2,600 square feet, when I'm not even pregnant, and don't know if we'll even be able to have a baby. There is nothing that really makes me think we won't, but after all the stories I read of couples who try for years, I don't want the added pressure of a large house that we can't fill. Also, the kitchen and the master bathroom were not up our liking, so why put out all the money when it isn't exactly what we want?

Something is in the air

It's 53 degrees and sunny out. Although I feel like crap right now, I can't help but feel a little energized, because I am getting the feeling that spring is just around the corner. Oh, warm weather, come to me!

Ah, blessed weekend

On Friday I thought I must be getting sick, or something else (preggo?) because I was so tired that I literally ached to the bones. I told B that my bones hurt, and he looked at me like I was insane. I guess he's never had that feeling of being bone-tired. But, after a hot bath and 10 hours of sleep, I felt much better. And since we don't plan to even think about trying to get PG until this summer, I would prefer not to be pregnant, and rather just exhausted.

This weekend has been good. Yesterday we sat and discussed our thoughts on money and the future...and then we went out to look at a few neighborhoods where we saw what looked to be some cute houses--online.

Basically, it goes like this. We want to have a nice house, but we also want to take vacations like taking the future family to Disney World along with our parents...I want to take a trip to the Grand Canyon and have my dad come. It's been his lifelong dream to go to the Grand Canyon, and because of his disability, the thought of him never getting to see what he wants to see is just heartbreaking to me, so we want to take him on that trip, and for him to get to go to Disney World. It is one of his most favorite places to visit. There is a certain innocence about my father that I really love. He can be abrasive and insensitive from time to time, but his favorite comedy routine is the Three Stooges, and he loves Disney movies. And I also suppose that when B starts talking about his random thoughts and his innate silliness comes out, it makes me feel happy and comfortable because I know who he reminds me of.

So, we went to a few houses in this area that we thought we might like. WRONGO. Yikes. Houses listed in the 300Ks, and they are obviously listed by crack smoking flippers. One house that was next to a house on sale literally had shutters falling off the house. WTF? So, after driving by a few, we decided that it may be a while before we buy anything. I am not settling for some 80s house that has been upgraded, but still needs a lot of work. At least we are in no hurry and aren't pressed for time at the moment.

I have to say that although I enjoy using the internet to search for houses, it's so deceptive. You can see a house online that looks to be nice, but then you go there, and it's not at all what you thought it would be, or the neighborhood isn't at all what you had hoped it to be. And I can't imagine why someone would buy some of these houses when there are many more for sale, around the same price, in a nicer area. Oh well. To each his/her own, but it won't be for us.

Oh, and I've been reading Lord of the Rings. I like to pick a thick books to read during the winter time, since I am not outside nearly as much. I have to say that now that I am reading the books, the movies make so much more sense. The reason why the movies are so confusing is because a lot was left out. I understand they had to edit for time, but some details that were left out should have been included. Anyway, I feel so much more enlightened now! I don't really know why Tolkein thought that he must emphasize which direction the hobbits are traveling with such detail--taking many paragraphs to explain such details--but for the most part, I am enjoying it.

Ah, blessed weekend. Off to spend him with B, and then go to church.

There are some days

That make you wonder if you really should have gotten up.

Witness: this morning.

I woke up a little late, flew out of bed and into the shower. I got out, made my coffee, and turned on the news. "There have been reports of up to 25 accidents today due to the rain that came through. Because of the low temperatures, it has frozen on contact." And then they show a map of where the rain currently is. Well, okay. It's on the VA/NC border, about 45 mins from here. I'll be okay. Besides, if it was bad, we would be on delay. So I keep watching. Next headline: Man dies in fatal crash on Ferrell Parkway. Oh shit. That is about 10 mins from me, and apparently it's from the ice. FRICKIN FRICK! My heart starts racing and I start to think, "am I safe to go to work?" I walk into the darkened bedroom and tell my husband about the news. He reaches out for my hand, and I know he's worried. Or at least he's showing compassion in my time of freaking out. He asked what roads I would take to work, and we both decide my normal path, which crosses over the Bay, would not be a good choice. So I take the other route...and long story a little less long: the whole way was an ice rink. I slid once. Thankfully there was no traffic when I slid. It took me over an hour to get to school. Usually it takes me 20 minutes. At least I am safe and sound.

As I was driving, had an overwhelming feeling of crying coming over me--that, and the urge to just stop and wait for the roads to thaw-- ridiculous on both counts.

So the rest of my day came through as abnormally as a high school freshman who has just grown three inches overnight. And now, I am exhausted, and I still have work to do. I want to give it the old grad school push, but I am tired! I worry that I'll end up giving a student an A when they really got a D, just because I'm tired, and I just want to get it done.

Okay, time to rally. I can get this done!