Why is it that we can take years to figure out why we are the way we are, when usually what influenced us to become who we are happened in a matter of months, weeks, days and minutes? It's almost unfair.
In the past year many things about who I am have started to come together.
So here are the basic facts about me, but only recently have I started to think about why. Knowing why really doesn't matter, but it can be interesting to think about. Maybe I can affect the future by knowing what I know. Anyway, here goes:
1. I am sensitive--apologetically so. Everyone who knows me knows that I am sensitive. I am apologetically sensitive. I actually feel guilty for becoming upset when I am upset. Why am I like this? Well, first of all, I know it runs in the family. My nephew is amazingly sensitive, and he is only three. I also know that sensitivity is part of giftedness. It can be hard to teach different versions of me. I can teach them because I understand how they think in many more ways than other teachers...and sometimes I know that how they are is not a good way to be, not always at least. It's as much a curse as it is a blessing. The more I teach the gifted kids, the more I see myself in them.
2. I am the peacemaker in my family. Studies have shown that a person's personality is usually influenced by the role of the person in her/her family. In my family, I am the peacemaker. I am often the one in the middle of an argument, and I am usually the one trying to make everyone feel better, even when I feel like hell. I am not sure why I have that role, but I definitely want to make sure everyone is okay, and I want to make sure I am helping where and when I can. I enjoy it. It does make me happy--except when it doesn't. When I was caught in fights with my mom and dad, there was nothing I could do, and it made me miserable. When I feel helpless to do anything, I am not happy.
3. I am also a perfectionist. Yes, it's true. I want everything to be right. I want everything to be okay. Of course life just doesn't work that way, and reconciling with that is not always easy. In my profession I have learned that perfection is nearly impossible. Everyone has different standards and expectations, which make achieving perfection nearly impossible. There is always room for improvement. But I must admit, hearing someone say, "Perfect!" is music to my ears. I suppose that comes from being a classically trained pianist where perfection is the ultimate goal. When I work towards achieving that goal, I feel calm and at peace. When I am not working towards that goal, I feel lost. I am finally okay with having a 3.94 GPA in grad school.
I have also learned a few other things in the past year.
5. Now that I have discovered my cousin in Seattle, although she is a 5th cousin, I know why I think like I do, and I know where my sense of humor comes from. And cousin, if you're reading this, you look very much like my mother's side...but your mouth is a little different. (ha!) Otherwise, I know we share the same genes, I am certain. There is a comfort in that, which is indescribable. It make me more at ease with who I am. I had heard stories of my cousins in Richmond, and I had heard very good things about them. My mother told horrible stories, but I learned to question everything she said. I am glad she lied. If I could describe it in any way, it's like knowing that there's a fabulous jewel out there, and that it was once yours, only you lost it, but you don't know where it is or what it even looks like, but you know it's out there.
6. For years, I have had this sense about business that I have always had. When I was in the sixth grade, I turned my school's little pencil cart into a veritable store. I made signs to advertise and I even worked with the layout of the little cart. In high school I always scrutinized my teachers' methods to figure out what would be more effective as a teacher, and what would increase student learning; and what I came up with is actually what I do now as a teacher. When I teach kids, I pay attention to the books they read mostly because I want to know what the trends are for publishers. Yes, I do care about what they read, but it's also from a business point of view. Just today I realized where all of that came from, because it has always seemed to be a natural ability to me. Alas, it is not natural at all.
It's actually from my father owning and running a business for most of my childhood. He owned a woodworking business where he refinished furniture. He also sold woodworking tools in his store. I remember my mother taking pictures of our furniture to display some sort of technique. He would post those pictures in ads, and my mom would write the copy for those ads. They placed ads in the newspaper and I would often go behind my mom to read what she had written for the ad. Usually I thought something needed to be fixed.
I also questioned why there were certain commercials on during various times of the day. I also noticed that the shows with fewer viewers had the crappier ads...and my poor dad's ad was in there too. I knew where we stood in the mix of things.
The one thing that drove me crazy with my dad's store was its filth! Yes, there was a workroom where they did the work, but there was also a "showroom," but what he was trying to show, I never knew. I used to go up to the store after school and I always started dusting and straightening; not because I liked to clean, but because I didn't see how he would sell anything in that room. Of course the nature of his business was not to do with that room, but to me, it was not acceptable. I wasn't even ten at the time. Later on, I went with my dad to price and weigh screws for sale in a mail order company. I did that until he shut down his business when I was 15. I wonder if my sister had any clue about how I thought about things.
7. Tonight B and I got into a little argument. At the end of it he pointed out that I am non-confrontational competitive. Essentially I am very competitive, but in a non-confrontational way. This means that I will do my best to outperform my counterparts, and I always wanted to be the top sales girl when I worked in retail, but I do not like one-on-one competition. It completely conflicts with who I am. In a work environment, I believe my work is a reflection of who I am, and I let my bosses and students be the judges. To be honest, I love it when my students outperform the other classes. I believe they are a reflection of me, and so when I see the scores, and they do well, I love it. I love that I helped them get there...and they aren't even the so-called "highest" of the students this year.
So yes, I am now 31, and I am only really starting to figure some of these things out. Sometimes my past comes knocking to remind me that it's there. Sometimes it shows up at the worst time. But I am glad my brain keeps working on the puzzle pieces, trying to fit everything together one piece at a time. I don't know what the final picture will be. Maybe there is no final picture. Once it's complete, that's it!
So I guess I am okay to be a continual work in progress.
(And yes, I know this blog is a bit egocentric, but sometimes it's good to think things through.)
No comments:
Post a Comment