Bringing in the New Year

Okay, so here's the rundown on the last year for me, personally:

*Went to Paris and London for the very first time.

*Got pregnant for the very first time.

*Discovered the school that everyone loves to work in, including me. Apparently I was just teaching the wrong grade and hadn't really gotten to know the people.

*Became closer with B's family.

*Gained a new appreciation for my old body.

In a nutshell, that has been my year.

The past decade sucked in so many ways. Shall we count them? No, because that's what the news is for. We all know how terrible this past decade has been in terms of world events. For me, personally, it was mostly good, with a touch of bad, and here's how it went:

*Met and began dating my husband in 2000.

*2001: Had to discover what it's like to pick up the pieces of a man, my dad, who fell apart and into the hospital for 6 months, which changed his life forever.

*2002: determined to have my own life and make my own way after going through hell with my dad's illness, I decided to go to grad school to become a teacher. I had this realization while visiting my sister in CA, after the birth of her first daughter in 2002. Inspiration can come in tiny packages.

*2003: finally broke free from my roommate and moved out on my own. It was awesome, and with the thanks of B, I found an apartment that was perfect for me as I went through grad school. I recommend to anyone living on your own for a little while before settling down with anyone. It is truly liberating and empowering.

*2004: one of my best years in Charlottesville.

*2005: finally finished my Master's and began teaching in the fall of 2005. Also moved in with B in a place we still talk about to this day. It was so tiny and had its problems (heating unit freezing over in the middle of the night, so we had to go out and chip away the ice to warm up our house, noxious smell came from the washing machine, and the master bathroom had no door), but we loved it for its gorgeous views, the hot tub, deck off to the side, where we had many a dinner and spent many hours playing cards and drinking wine, big snowstorms that came and painted our world in pristine white....it was perfect for us.

*2006: Picked up and moved to Virginia Beach.

*2007: got married!

*2008: that's a blur, mostly. Went to Disney World with B for his first trip there.

*2009...up above.

So yes, aside from 2001, I really can't complain. As for the rest of the world, may we have a more peaceful decade ahead of us.

In a Constant Work of Progress

It never ceases to amaze me that no matter how long you are in a relationship with someone, that relationship is a constant work in progress. Perhaps this is because people always change, or maybe it's because we're exposed to new situations which reveal particular nuances of the person you're with. Nevertheless, it's always an interesting ride.

Over the past few days, B and I have been dealing with a faulty refrigerator. Yesterday I spent my morning e-mailing our landlord and calling various repair places to get here ASAP. Although it was only 42 degrees out and we had our food on the balcony, time was of the essence. My pulse started racing and the tension within my body was palpable. As I'd been sitting there making calls and trying to get it fixed, he was sitting there playing a game on his X-Box (I swear there should be a phenomenon called X-Box Dads and Husbands). As he tapped the controller buttons and twisted his body while he tried to control his CGI race car, I stared at him.

At the end of his race, "Yes?" he asked. "Well, I'd like you to call M. I've sent him e-mails, but haven't gotten a response," I said. He sits there and continues to play on into his next race. "I heard you," he assures me. More minutes pass and I feel the pressure grow from within, and no, this isn't the baby moving downward. I continue, "I feel stressed. I feel like this is all falling onto me, and last night I was in a lot of pain, I think from stress from the week."

So he pauses his game and sends a text message to our landlord. (It's a good thing having a landlord who is our age.)

While we wait for the landlord's response, he continues on and says, "Why don't WE look for repair places." In this case, WE means YOU. Pressure rises, and I walk away. I go online and find places who can come on a Saturday afternoon, and relay the information back to him. He continues to play.

Over the course of the next few hours, we find a repair place and set up an appointment. In that time, he cleaned underneath the fridge, which was quite helpful, since I can't get down there in my current state. The night before, he had taken out all of the frozen items and put them in boxes to go outside, since it was 18 degrees that night. I should also mention that in that hour or two, I also let him know that I felt like he was perfectly content to let me sit and make the calls while he busily plays away. He agreed and said he'd rather not call anyone because he doesn't want to talk to people. Once the repair men came, he handled the visit from start to finish. Immediately my pulse rate lessened and the pressure I felt disappeared as quickly as it came.

Later on, B and I were talking as we drove back from a cousin's house. He said, "I'm a worker bee. I'd rather get into things and do things. I don't want to call people, but I don't mind getting dirty to fix things." He had also bought a saw to trim our new Christmas tree, and I could tell he really enjoyed it. Later that night, he also cleaned the freezer before putting any food back into it. I sat and thought about that and told him that I was a thinker, a planner. So for us, I'm the planner, and he's the doer. Plan it out, and then just tell him what to do, and he will do it, albeit in his own way. I'd say that's a pretty balanced pair.

In the future, I need to do a better job of remembering what our strengths are, so they fit in better with our roles within our house and life. Also, I need to remember this so when I feel my blood pressure rising, I can calm myself down more quickly. Perhaps it's hormonal, but I have felt this pressure rise ever since we began our journey together ten years ago.

Our big test and journey through self-discovery will come when the baby arrives. Remember: I'm the planner, he's the doer. Not to say that I don't do things to, but still, this it what it all boils down to. Also remember: breathe.

Fighting the Good Fight

When I began my studies in education seven years ago, I entered the field not with the intention of maintaining status quo, but with the intention of changing education in small and incremental ways. I know, I was delusional to think that I could have made any difference whatsoever in a system that is so archaic and myopic, but nonetheless, I joined the ranks of thousands of teachers and every day I try to make a difference to children. Some days I fail miserably, and some days I am almost in tears when I see the progress of some children. Usually that does not come until the middle to end of the year.

Then there are some children who, despite every attempt to intervene on their behalf, do not progress as adequately as they should. This year I have a student who is currently TWO years below grade level in reading. He has learned to compensate for his reading deficiencies by learning how to take tests very well, such that he is able to reason through tests and correctly identify answers. Despite his average achievement, I brought his case to a child study meeting. To me, failing to address a child's obvious disability in reading is negligent; and as his teacher it is my job to try and do whatever I can to help him.

So today we sat in the meeting about this child, and the school psychiatrist acknowledged that there was a problem, but wanted to "wait and see" how he does. They have been waiting to see how he does since he was in the first grade. He has been consistently well below grade level for years, and yet they refuse to test him for a disability. Having knowledge of the system and its shortcomings, his mother and I have already initiated testing from an outside source, because I knew that the school would choose to do nothing.

As I sat there and listened to the psychiatrist and the other special education teacher, the word negligence continued to go through my mind.

Tonight I just looked up what educational negligence is, and according to public education laws, it exists within the realm of physical harm to a student, but the definition does not include academic harm to a student. In my opinion, if a school or school district acknowledges that there is a problem with a student such as the case is with my student, to choose to do nothing is negligent. For teachers to continuously bring a student up for study, and for the teachers to be denied the right to proceed with testing is negligent. In my mind, it is unlawful and it is NOT acceptable.

When I started grad school, I had the intention of going into education policy. But once I entered the classroom and saw all that administration had to deal with, I decided against going into administration. Now, I am reconsidering the notion of going into education policy, only this time, I am looking at it from a prosecutorial standpoint, rather than a defensive standpoint.

Usually I think schools get a bad reputation unnecessarily, but in this case, I believe the blame for an adult becoming functionally illiterate falls squarely on the shoulders of the system. The system has failed that child, and I wonder if I am on the right side of things. Sure, I can teach a child to read, and I can do as much as I can, but when I am part of a system that chooses not to help a child, am I really on the right side? And, what is the right side?

The answer I continuously arrive at is that if I don't like the system, then I need to try and change the system. How can I affect change? I wish I really knew the answer. Part of me thinks I need to pursue education law, but then part of me thinks I need to keep trying with what I'm doing. On the flip side of that, I recognize a perilous pursuit when I see one.

At the end of the meeting today, the child's mom praised me for my efforts and how "awesome" I have been for her son. I smiled, but I couldn't appreciate what she said, because ultimately I am still failing him. I never went into this field for myself. I went into this field because of the kids, because I wanted to do something good for others, and in so doing, to feel fulfilled. I know I am not failing him, but it's hard to not feel that way when you keep running up against a brick wall.

When I came home tonight, I thought of whether or not I really have the energy to fight the good fight. And then I thought of people like Teddy Kennedy, who fought for most of his life for equality. After having seen his old speeches made to Congress, I understood why he was called the Lion. He had a platform to speak out, and maybe I am just not at the right place to speak out and make a difference. Maybe one day I'll figure out the answers.

There's ambition, and then there's reality.

On Sunday night, I felt what I thought were remnants of my cold dissipating of into the vastness of the past. I stayed up until 10:30 preparing lessons for the weeks ahead, fully motivated to end my last three weeks with a bang. Then Monday morning came. I told B I thought I was worse than the day before, but I went in to work anyway.

The trouble with working up until the very end of pregnancy isn't the lack of sleep, at least for me. I have been fairly lucky to get sleep, up until this point. The main problem is that my body is in no way prepared to deal with teaching 40 kids all day long, and so my adrenaline kicks in to help me endure the day's progression. So although I may feel fine during the day, 2:30 usually signals my decline, and by 3:00, the adrenaline wears off and I am exhausted. Last night, I was beyond exhausted, and by 1am, I threw in the towel and put in for a sub. Another week damaged.

The rest of the week won't be any better. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my OB, and because I have to get a sub, I can't just step out for an hour and then return. I can't call in for a sub for just an hour, so I have to take the afternoon off. This may sound good, but when you have a deadline approaching, essentially you have to pull and pray: put out the plans, hope the kids do it, and when they take their test, they do well while I'm gone.

The following morning I have two child study meetings, neither of which do I expect any tangible long-term results; which is why a parent and I have initiated testing outside of the district because my faith in the system is perhaps not at its highest. So, again, I will have someone in the room covering for me while I am in those meetings. And then, on Friday, we have a field trip. I will honestly be amazed if the kids are successful this week, as I believe they do not perform as well when I am gone. I suppose they had better get used to it though.

Mentally, I have thrown in the towel. Physically, I know just to try and survive. Whatever I can accomplish between now and the 22nd will be a bonus, and as for everything else, I will just do the best I can. More and more, emphasis is placed on my home life anyway.

Perhaps this is a sign of things to come. I think it is. Perhaps this is my new reality: one with grand ambitions and disappointing realities. I know moms always have to contend with these conflicting issues, and I will join the ranks soon enough. I suppose that right now, along with Braxton-Hicks, the interrupted sleep (I do get up, but then fall back asleep), I am just practicing for the real thing. Thank goodness my profession is one that requires flexibility at all times. My ligaments are still stretching, so I am flexing in more ways than one!

Help me.

Possible reality check here

It has occurred to me that the longer I am away from work, the less I want to go back. It's not because I don't love what I do, but I'm really wondering....when I am there, I feel like I am needed, and the need is strong. I feel like I am really helping kids who need extra support, but then, when I have days like today, where I ache, and I am teary because I feel like a failure with everything I try, I wonder if going back this spring is really what I should do....time will tell.

Frailty

Yesterday I went out to get a haircut, and when I came back, B told me about his mother falling down concrete steps at work as she went into the basement of her bank. She cut her head, which required five stitches, and she broke her wrist. B's cousin went to meet her at the ER, and she was promptly discharged after receiving treatment and having a battery of tests run on her.

We decided to go to his hometown, which is about 45 minutes from here. She was at the cousin's house, so we went to see her there. What B saw was a little unnerving, and for me, it just served as a reminder of how frail we can become.

Her forearm was wrapped in a bandage, and she had a huge ice pack sitting on it. Her left eye started to swell and bruise from the cut up on her forehead. And well, she just looked frail, sitting there on the sofa, eyes half-opened, and clearly shaken from the whole experience. This may have been the first time B has ever seen his mother as the vulnerable human being that she is, and it bothered him.

After we left his cousin's house, we went into her house to see what food she needed. This is the part I hate the most, and it conjures up images from when my dad went into the ER in October, 2001 and we went back to his house to get his belongings.

When someone goes into the hospital unexpectedly, she has no idea that someone else may see how she had been living up until that point. No one lives in a perfectly kept house, but sometimes, secrets are revealed when she least expects it; and for those who discover the secret, feelings of worry, disbelief and unease prevail.

When my dad went into the hospital, we discovered several things: first, that he had taken a bad fall when he had a seizure, and told no one. The evidence left was a broken chair on the balcony. The second was that he was trying to end his vomiting by making and eating TONS of Jello. The evidence: several empty bowls of red Jello in the kitchen. He got the idea for this from when I had the stomach flu 13 years earlier and the doctor had me eat Jello to help ease the nausea. Another bit of evidence left behind were the countless packs of medicine on the kitchen counter that he had been using to try and treat himself. The most damning of all evidence: a giant box of wine, which he later swore was not his (yes, dad, and the cigarettes you smelled really came from my friend...). When we found these things, we were in total disbelief. I also felt guilt for seeing what he had been going through, but never bothered to tell anyone about.

For B's mother, we were in disbelief for other reasons. As we stepped into the kitchen, we saw weeks and weeks of mail scattered and stacked about in the kitchen. It was all over the kitchen table, on the counters, in her office, and in B's old room. EVERYWHERE. Countless pairs of shoes were not far off from the piles of mail, and save for a can of almonds and a bag of cookies sitting on the counter, we could tell that she had been trying to lose weight by drinking drink mixes and eating frozen dinners. Not that I could fault her for that. Living alone, you don't really feel compelled to cook very much.

As I walked around her house, I couldn't help but think of my dad when he was sick. Looking at all of this, I wondered what was going on. I had been there before, but it was always an announced visit, and she had usually managed to straighten the house before we came. This time, we caught her with her pants down, and it wasn't pretty.

I grew increasingly worried as I looked through the contents of the wreckage. Old bills and coupons were intermingled, newspapers were unopened...it was just a mess. Thankfully, B said that this is normal for her, so my unease relented.

Less than 24 hours later, I can't shake the feeling of unease about her. From what we saw, one thing was obvious: she needs to sell the house and move into a condo. The house and its upkeep are just too much for her. I got the sense that she is overwhelmed in her life, and some of the unnecessary weight needs to be taken off her shoulders. She has been at her bank for 40 (yes 40) years, and she is also managing the finances of her church, and in between, she is also taking care of elderly people, and of course worrying about her son being ready for the baby.

It's been eight years since my dad fell ill, and in that time, I have had to cognitively distance myself from the risks associated with living alone. He has fallen several times since, but thankfully has not broken anything. I hate hearing about his missteps and I do not want to go through what I went through with him before, but we also have our own life to live, and we deserve the chance to start a new family and a new life, just like every other younger couple.

I hope that this fall served as a good reminder to B's mom that she is not invulnerable to injury, that her life is just as precious as everyone else's. It definitely opened up B's eyes, and served as a reminder that as much as we would like to, we just can't move wherever we want, and assume that nothing will happen to our parents if we do. Like it or not, we have two parents who are growing older, and eventually both of them will need care, and it will most likely be from the both of us. I don't like it, but I have just had to accept this as fact.

In the meantime, I can take comfort in knowing that we are not far from either of them if they should show their true and frail colors once again.

3x5

This morning as I drove to work, I played John Mayer's album, "Room for Squares" from my iPod. As I heard the first tune, I skipped forward to a song, called 3x5, I used to listen to as I drove to class at JMU, which was an hour from my house. It became a ritual for me, and something I looked forward to doing every time I hit the road. It is a beautiful song, if you haven't heard it. I'm fairly certain hearing it the first time while I drove over the mountain was coincidental, but it was perfect for the scenery.

I'm writing you to
catch you up on places I've been

You held this letter
probably got excited, but there's nothing else inside it
didn't have a camera by my side this time

Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way with words

Today skies are painted colors of a cowboy's cliche'
And strange how clouds that look like mountains in the sky
are next to mountains anyway

Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world with both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way
but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
just no more 3x5's

Guess you had to be there
Guess you had to be with me

Today I finally overcame
tryin' to fit the world inside a picture frame

Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm in the mood to
lose my way but let me say

You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life

You'll be with me next time I go outside
no more 3x5's
just no more 3x5's

I do love this song. As I drove to school today, images of the slate blue mountains sliding by my car window, touched with pink and purple highlights, came back to me. And then I wondered, how long ago was that? Five years. That's it. Five years! How my life has changed in that time! In that time, I got a Master's, moved in with B, moved to Virginia Beach, got married, went to the Bahamas and Europe, and now I'm sitting here feeling my baby kick as I type.

Those drives over the mountain seem like a lifetime ago, and yet in the grand scheme of things, 5 years is a flash! And when I list out what has happened in the five years since, I think to myself that life has been pretty awesome! Before these past five years, I thought the highlight of my existence was getting to work for Disney, meeting a president, and meeting Pat Conroy, who also signed my journal, which I still have.

Does everyone's life flash by like this, or have I just been lucky? Is there a point at which all of these things end, or does it take just greater dedication towards making your life the best that it can be, whenever and wherever possible? I think it probably just takes more determination to not let life suck as you get older, to continue to do things that expand your horizons both internally and externally.

I can say, without a doubt, that my traveling this past summer has not silenced the urge to travel. If anything, it was just a morsel to whet my appetite, but I know that we are not done with traveling. I want to see more and do more, and for some reason, I don't think it won't be possible once the baby is born. I don't think it would be easier to do, but I think if we really want it to happen, it will. We just need to be patient, and do what we can, when we can.

And the best part of all of this is that all of this will pale in comparison to the birth of our son. I just can't wait.

Really?

So Virginia has elected a Republican for governor. Wow! That has never happened before....except, it has. It happened in '74, '78, '82, '98, and '02. (Prior to the 70s, the Democrats ruled, but at that time, they were the Dixiecrats, who were in favor of segregation.) If the gap in years are noted, one can safely assume that the Republicans are always given a fair chance, and yet somehow the no tax, increase spending rule has gotten our state into trouble every time they take office. As history repeats itself, voters were tired of how the economy was faring, and so McDonnell has been voted in.

The press is saying that this is a referendum on Obama's policies. Really? Personally, I am not sure why Creigh Deeds wanted to be governor, and he never expressed his message in an effective manner. I believe that those who did turn out, turned out to vote for McDonnell because they knew who he was and what he stood for. By the same token, I was never really sure why McCain wanted to be president, as his message was never clear either.

I believe that national news networks need to stop trying to draw connections where there are few. It isn't at all surprising that a Republican won. We go back and forth between one guy or the other, and none of them deliver on their promises.

Also, there is one aspect that they are failing to mention: the economy. Whenever the economy goes down the drain, whoever is in office is blamed; and if it happens to be his election season, he's screwed. Should the economy have begun to turn around by the end of Kaine's term, the outcome may have been vastly different. After all, Kaine rode on Warner's coattails.

Warner governed over the state at the end of the recession, and was given much praise for turning the state around, which more than likely would have happened anyway, as economies tend to go through a natural cycle. And yes, even though this current recession has been nasty, it does not defy logic. Laws of physics state that the higher and faster something rises, the harder and faster it will fall. In fact, upon its decline, it picks up momentum and force, all to make for one big mess, which is what we are still in, despite the signs of growth.

So, was this a vote of no confidence on Obama? No. Was it true to Virginia's mercurial nature? Yes. Remember, we have always been prone to voting one way, and then changing our minds. Virginia was not the first to break away from its mother country, but once it changed its mind, it changed in a big way. That's our history, and it will repeat.

On a more personal note, I truly hope that as a teacher, I do not suffer the consequences of this poorly played election. Every governor campaigns on the platform of education, claiming to be the candidate who cares. The only problem is that unless you have taught kids yourself, your own understanding of teaching and education are limited by what you have experienced or what you perceive. So, those who have no background in education make decisions about education that affect us all. I just hope to see education continue to improve. I don't want to see anyone lose his/her job over a political fight that has nothing to do with us. Inevitably, it will happen. But that's okay. It's only four years.

Nit-picking ourselves to death

Today my husband went home early to let the plumber in to work on a leak in the shower. Meanwhile, I went and got my H1N1 flu shot, as well as the seasonal flu shot. When we were both home, he told me that he read about how the two "wayward" pilots who landed 180 miles off course admitted to being on their laptops, which is why they missed their destination. As he's telling me this, I'm wondering, isn't this being a bit nit-picky? Not that the pilots should be applauded for missing their destination, but why all of the intensity of focus on their misdeeds? How many headlines have we read about a pilot being drunk, or a pilot killing his crew, that have made less waves than the "wayward" pilots? We read these headlines and they disappear just as quickly as they appeared. It begs the question, are we getting to be a society where nit-picking and over dramatization are becoming the norm?

On a daily basis, I cannot even count the many times I hear people complain about this minor issue and that minor issue. And really, many issues are minor, and not worth the energy used to complain. Case in point: assistant principal sends out an e-mail to myself and another teacher about how the kids cannot play outside for extra recess on Fridays because of an altercation with a kindergarten student (the K student punched one of our students). In the same e-mail, she states that the kids can play games in the room. "Fine," I think, and move on. Apparently others did not move on, and this became the source of disbelief and criticism of the assistant principal who sent the e-mail. In my mind, the bottom line is: the kids who deserve a reward will still get their reward, and no students will be punched in the process. Isn't that what's important? Is it really even worth it to send around e-mails about the situation that never really was?

To go back to the story about the pilots, here's what I see: no one was hurt and everyone made it back home just fine. Sure, it was cause for disciplinary action, but is this really something worth the media's attention?

As we continue to read similar headlines and judge each other for other actions, ask yourself, are you being a bit too nit-picky? Have you made things better by pointing out others' ineptitudes, or have you just sprayed your bitterness around for everyone else to feel? Really, take a good look. In my mind, it's the big picture that counts.

Almost 30 weeks

I am almost 30 weeks along! 8-10 more weeks!

There are so many things to look forward to, they are innumerable, but if I could make a short list of what I am looking forward to, beyond the implied baby, this is it:

1. Being able to look at normal person clothes again. I am thankful that so far the area where I have gotten the biggest is my tummy, and everything else is pretty much the same, give or take an inch (three in the buttocks area). So, I am looking forward to shopping for new clothes in the spring and summer. Yes, I admit, I do like to shop, and I appreciate my old body even more now. It won't be the same, but still.

2. Being able to go out for dinner and a drink or two, thanks to our sitter (mother-in-law) in waiting. She's a different kind of person, but I know having her available will be a huge benefit to us.

3. Having sushi again, at some point.

4. Going on my 4-mile walk in the spring--or for that matter, going on a walk without feeling like my lower ligaments are being pulled over my head.

And of course....

5. Opening a new chapter of our life. I'm the type of person to look at all of the difficulties of raising a child before I look at the positives, but I know there will be many bright spots to balance out the dark, and it will all be worth it.