There is something that has been on my mind for a while, and before I go into it, I am going to apologize before I write about it. Many people I know are in this club, and I am not, and I can say that the feeling is palpable. This is not an indictment against anyone, but just airing what I have been thinking and feeling of late.
As a teacher, I am constantly surrounded by mothers and children. I teach their kids, give them hugs and wipe their tears, dispense band-aids, catch fallen teeth, press my cheek to their foreheads to detect a fever, clean up after they vomit in my room (yes, they do it in school too, so you moms are not alone on that front) and and at their age there is a good chance that I know more about the parents' kids than they do.
I know who likes who, and who is "dating," which typically amounts to drawing I Love ______ on your binder and wrist, and the occasional phone call happens; but that is typically all dating really is for a typical fifth grader. There is much that I see and hear as a teacher, and most of this knowledge is never shared with the parents because I respect the kids' privacy as much as I would want them to respect me. The only time any secrets are shared is when the child's safety or health could be in danger. Barring danger, their secrets are safe with me. And yet, when I talk to the moms about their kids, there is an underlying border that divides us: motherhood.
It's never spoken, only intimated. The signs come when I hear, "when you have kids..." which is usually followed by a line that implies that I know nothing about children, even though I do; which is interesting because even though I am not a mother, and I am constantly reminded of this fact, my advice is sought, and if they disagree, it's chalked up to the fact that I am not yet a mother. Because of this fact, I never give any child-rearing advice on what I think they should do. Why? Because I am not a member of their club.
The club I speak of is the Mother's Club. No, not a mother's club that a stay at home mom would belong to, but the club that all mothers place themselves in because they are moms. I often feel, at my age, which is only 31, that most moms have less respect for women their age who are not moms yet. Sure, they all understand that we are perhaps trying to be pregnant, or aren't ready, but there is nothing more lonely feeling when you are surrounded by a group of moms who talk about kids, and when you have something to say, it's dismissed because they are not YOUR kids, and how could you possibly know anything about what they are talking about? Yes, I am the odd woman out these days.
Just today, I wanted to chime in on some cleaning tips to a friend, but I relented because I work, and I don't have kids, so my tips are probably implausible and impractical for a mom with kids. So I stay silent. Again, membership pending.
I think, on the other end, that sometimes some of my friends who are moms are also a little envious of the fact that I can take naps and read in solitude, and go on vacations without kids to think about. I know they wouldn't trade their lives, but I do have more freedom, and I know there is a bit of envy in this. But what they don't know is that I would like to be a part of the club, and yet, I don't like feeling excluded simply because I have not yet reproduced. I am working on it, though. I also am not that worried about when it does happen, because it's not like I can return the child once it's born. Once I have a child, there is no going back. So really, all in due time.
In the meantime, however, I would like to be able to say to a mom-friend that I took a nap, and not have them laugh in my face and say, "just wait until you have kids." Really, the way she makes it sound, why would I want to? No one told them that they HAD to have kids, so bitterness about the situation, in my opinion, is so uncalled for, especially when I would like to be a part of your little club. And yes, mothers of my students, I do have a clue, and I do know when you're pushing too hard, but they say nothing because they will be punished. I know more than you realize. I just bite my tongue.
3 comments:
Meh, specifically with me, as long as you don't try to equate having a pet with parenthood (I have known a few people who chime in with something about a 'furbaby'), then c'est la vie. But that one thing does drive me BONKERS, when women act like walking a dog a couple of times a day is *just* about the same as parenting, LOL!
Oh, and I wanted to add, sorry, but you're SOL as far as getting respect from the Club. I think, as much as anything, it's because most moms remember how much better we were as parents before we had kids. Ha!
At least that is the case for many, I think. We all remember seeing that mom just letting her kid get away with being a turd at the store or where ever and thinking how we'd do it so much differently. Then, *poof*, there you are, one day, leadin 3 cranky kids to the store at the end of the day when everyone's DONE being good or even listening--but you *have* to get something and you *have* to take them with you--and you really don't care how rotten they are, just that you remember to buy the two things you went to the store for.
Even when you have one, it'll be moms of more who dismiss you. Then it'll be moms of older kids. Keeps on going.
It's like that joke, where people who're dating are pestered to marry. Then they marry and it's "when are you having kids?" Then you have a child and people ask when you'll have another. Can't win.
See, and that's the thing. I don't judge, because I do know how hard kids can be, and there's no handbook that tells us exactly what to do. I think before I became a teacher, I used to judge, but now, I don't even wonder what I would do if I were the parent. All I think is, "that poor mom," or "rough day."
And yes, I know what you are saying. People always want to know when I'm having kids, and I wonder, what if I said that I'm not? And then even more judgment comes. I even got a look from someone when I said that B would like to be a stay at home dad. No, I can't win.
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