Progress

Sometimes we do things we don't really mean to do, but they just happen; and sometimes we choose to just let things go and let things be. This past year I had allowed myself to stop exercising as much as I used to. Perhaps it was burnout from trying to be in shape for my wedding, or I just simply just let that go. My gym is right down the road from my school, I used to go afterschool on my way home. Much of that stopped once I became grade level chair for my team. When I took the position I thought it meant going to a meeting every once in a while. HA! I have since given up the position for next year, and when I talked to the girl who would be taking over that job (I offered it to her), I told her that it was far more than just one meeting. Actually, I would say it is probably one of the worst positions to have in a school. You are expected to issue out commands from the boss, but you have absolutely no control over any of the decisions that are made. Unfortunately, the other teachers think that you DO have control, when really you have none. It was way more than I wanted, and I wanted my life back. 

So this summer my main goals were to get back in shape and get my eating habits under control. As soon as I got back from Disney I started exercising more, and I could feel the difference immediately--at least in my muscle tone. I didn't really start to get my eating habits under control until last week, and this week I have been eating a ton more veggies, lean protein, whole grains and no starch. Oh, and I've been drinking a ton of water. Wow! What a difference that can make! I used to eat and exercise like that before I moved to VA Beach, but with life being as chaotic as it was, some things just fell to the wayside. And finally, when I put on my shorts, in a size 10, they are once again loose! I have this one skirt in a size 6, and it's no longer as tight...so even though I am just trying to be healthier, my body is showing its appreciation. That does feel good!

Opportunities and dreams

I recently completed Andy Pausch's "The Last Lecture." I read it in about 2 days and the whole time I read it I kept thinking about how much I wished everyone would read his words. The twist to the whole book is that it was written for his kids. If, as a consequence, someone else learned something from it, then I'm sure he was happy, but I don't think that was the ultimate point for him. Nonetheless, it has forced me to examine my own dreams and to look at where I am in my own life. Last night B asked me what my dreams really were, since he thought that mine was to work for Disney (which I did, but I still feel incomplete as far as that goes). 

To backtrack a little: the night before I had finished Pausch's book. I really started to think about his message about going for those dreams we've made. I have to say that as a child, I didn't have too many dreams. I wanted to be an astronaut or a teacher. I LOVED learning all about Science, and I still have a latent passion for all things space-related. In my mind, I think there's still a chance that I could go into space one day, even if it isn't as an astronaut. That's still a dream of mine. But ever since I was in grad school, I have had an INTENSE desire to study, of all things, the brain. I based my graduate work on the brain and how the brain functions in relation to learning. So, on that same night when I finished the book, I went to the computer to look up this guy, Eric Jensen, who is a guru on brain-based teaching. I went onto his website and he had many reasons for why he can help an organization, which didn't really float my boat. I'm not interested in a sales person. BUT, he did mention how Harvard has a graduate program on Mind, Brain and Education. As soon as I read this, my heart started thumping faster and I zoned in like a laser, and off to Harvard's website I went.

Now, don't get me wrong. I know that such a school is a total long shot for me. Yes, I actually do have a high enough GPA from my graduate work (and yes that ONE lousy B, which dropped me down to a 3.94 still kills me, because I am a perfectionist), but still, it's Harvard.  Not only is it Harvard, but I know that part of the admission process is about what I can do for them, not just what they can do for me. Still though, to take a class with Howard Gardner, or to actually work in Project Zero, an institute with the grad school of ed, would be amazing. That is my nerdy dream. 

So anyway, I told B about it, and since he's always wanted to go to Boston, he didn't really flinch. Actually, the next night he asked me if studying the brain was really what I wanted to do. And yes, it is. He then said that since he didn't really have any major dreams to aspire to (which I think is fine), then maybe at least one of us could get to achieve our dreams. Just thinking this makes me tear up, because that is why I married him. I also told him that while that is a dream, I have others, like having kids and a nice home. So while I realize that I have some dreams, they conflict with others I have. Not that I can't have kids and study the brain, but it would mean uprooting for a year and then moving again....but this is all assuming I have a prayer in you know where of getting in (I do know of a grad student from JMU who did go on to Harvard, so I know it's not that far fetched).

At the same time as I started to look into this, I have also been looking at getting my EdS in Reading Education through UVA. They have a center here in VB, so I can get my EdS through Curry here in town. I plan to take one class starting in September, and formally applying during the fall semester. I have been in touch with the contact for the program, and she assured me that they would look at my grad work first before looking at anything else (and I have to say that I am so happy I worked SO HARD in grad school. I didn't want to just get my master's. I wanted to be great at what I did, so I worked really hard). So I have to wonder, could it be possible that I could actually get my EdS through UVA, and somehow finagle myself in the MBE program in some way at Harvard? I know UVA has a great reputation amongst other schools, so I wonder if I could somehow do that, so that I don't have to totally uproot and leave the area if we don't want to? Also, I can get my school system to pay for my classes, so that's obviously a major bonus. Maybe that is what I will do, and maybe I will let them know that in my essay for why I want to go there.

One funny thing to add on to this: when I was in high school I had basically resigned myself to the fact that I sucked at math. I had let everyone convince me that I was no good, and I bought into it. So when I took the SATs and I saw all the math questions, I can honestly say that I guessed on most of them. So to say that I guessed on the math SAT and still got a 500 is pretty good. Imagine what I could have done if I had tried? So, in college I actually found out that I COULD do math, and I started to get As and Bs. So fast forward a few years, and I'm looking at the practice GRE. I jumped straight to the quantitative section, since I now know that that's what I need to study, and not the verbal section. Well, even though I didn't learn some of the math in high school, now that I have taught math, I now know how to do the problems, and I'm not totally lost in it. Since I had to teach it, I had to learn it first (go figure!), so now I even know how to find the area of a cylinder! So maybe there is hope for me, just yet. I guess I'll find out when I take the GRE.

I always tell others that when opportunities are presented to you, you take them. Even if you find them, and they don't come to you, go for it! I think perhaps I need to follow my own advice. 

Lesson learned the hard way

Reminder to self: if you go on a sweat inducing walk/run of three miles when there's high humidity and it's already in the 80s by 11am, be sure to eat plenty of protein and drink plenty of water afterwards. If not, be sure to have several Advil ready, as well as food that's ready to eat (thank goodness I picked up a rotisserie chicken while I was at the store).

I thought I had enough water, but after stumbling through my house with a blinding headache I saw my water bottle and it wasn't nearly empty enough. So I chugged away. And apparently just eating a Boca burger and salad isn't enough sustenance after said walk. OH AND don't then go to school and start pushing furniture around and follow that up with an iced coffee. Geeze! We all do stupid things, and this definitely counts.

So okay, lesson learned. Ugh.

One more thing

After going to the beach for the second time today B and I went to the store to get some crablegs and beer. While at the checkout counter the cashier asked for my ID. I said "sure" and gave it to her. She quickly glanced at it and then said, "Woooooow! 1977? Woooooow!" I looked at B and started laughing and said, "Yep, it's official. We're old." I actually take it as a compliment because I know I look younger than I am, so "Thanks to you Kroger teen! You just made my day!"

Ha.

Itty bitty baby steps

We bought a surf board the other week. The first day we had it, I barely got past the waves as there was a strong rip current from a hurricane out at sea. Actually I got pummeled by one wave that actually caused the board to hurt me, so I was a little freaked out by that.

Today I got back out and paddled around, but the feel of the board was a lot to get used to...oh, and there wasn't nearly nearly enough wax on the board so I was sliding everywhere on the board...I didn't catch anything, but I really didn't try...just had to get a feel for it. Hopefully next time, now that I know the feel of it, I will feel comfortable and more likely to try and catch some waves.

I guess for me it just takes baby steps. I guess that will have to do. :)

Phew!

So times have not been good at B's company. They laid off 5 people less than a month ago, and this past week all of the executives have been having these clandestine meetings off-site. Last night B and I thought about what we would do if he were to be laid off. Basically I would continue to work the duration of my contract at school while he would temp to make $ and look for another job (we have a nest egg set aside, but we don't want to have to use it for that reason).

So I e-mailed him this morning to see if there was any news on what the meeting was about...and his boss called him in to tell him that the company wants to pay for him to take a public speaking class. So, no layoff, and I don't think they have any plans to get rid of him anytime soon. It actually sounds to me like they have bigger things in mind for him in the future. Now, of course if the company REALLY falls on hard times, this could all change, but for now, it's a good sign. :)

Cupcakes

Before I start on this subject, please realize that I know I am very random. I am talking about recessions in one post, and then cupcakes in the next...just call me layered. Alright call me weird. I don't care. Ha!

I love cupcakes. From childhood to adult life I have always loved cupcakes...until I taught Kindergarten, where there is no shortage of the sweet little cakes covered in sugary goodness. When I first started to teach I was so excited when my students brought in cupcakes. Their parents would happily bring in 24 cupcakes in a plastic box and I would secretly drool at the thought of getting to eat just one little cupcake. And then another birthday would come. And then another. And by the end of the year all I could think was "Come on parents! Bring in something else." I was sick to death of cupcakes. Cupcake fatigue lasted until recently. Thankfully fifth graders are wise to the unimaginative nature of cupcakes for birthdays, as I think they too get tired of eating cupcakes for years and years. So they bring in things like cookies, brownies, ice cream, and only once or twice have I seen cupcakes brought in. 

Now I do believe I love cupcakes once again. 

How can you NOT love cupcakes? They are a perfect portion of cake topped off with sweet sugar and butter (or Crisco, but I'll ignore this fact), tinted with the perfect colors of pink, purple, any color you could really want. The best part is that people can make them so cool looking. My sister found a great way to decorate them using teddy grahams and gummy savers. 

So I am thankful to have gotten away from the little kid scene long enough to once again appreciate the wonderfulness that is the cupcake.

(And now, I'm off to the gym to work off my craving!) 

 

Recessions

Everyone wants to live life in a fairy tale. What woman doesn't wish she had a wand to wave at the dirty dishes sitting in the sink and poof! they are all done. Who doesn't want to live in a castle with a gorgeous guy and have all your dreams and desires fulfilled? Sure, some would argue that they would hate to live in a castle, but the point is that most of us like fantasies, and that is why Disney makes billions in the selling of fantasies. 

Americans spend millions of dollars on cosmetic surgery because there is the belief that if you weren't born a certain way, well, you can have it anyway. The wedding industry is a multi-billion dollar industry that thrives on women seeking fantasies (and no, an expensive wedding is not security for a happy marriage); ultimately, we all know that there is an inescapable reality, but with a little bit of money we can all run away from that reality, and lately, in the past few years, we have decided that you don't even have to have any money to live a certain life to get what we want. All we have to do is fill out an application for a credit card, mortgage, etc, and voila! all of your dreams can come true. Except, we all know this isn't true either. 

When I was little, my parents never used credit cards. My mother had a charge account with Thalhimer's, but it was paid off monthly and beyond that my parents never took on too much debt. They were raised by a generation of people who lived through the depression and had to learn in the hardest of ways that if you don't have the money, don't buy it. This very idea must sound blasphemous to many teenagers in college, but that is how it was with my family and generations before. 

But then the 1980s came and lenders discovered that there was an insatiable appetite for consumer goods; and if a buyer couldn't afford it, then they would extend them a credit line. When I was in college in 1995, the lending businesses started to issue out credit cards to people who had no business having a credit card. I was given several cards by several companies, and I had no income. I had no credit history, so my credit score was decent, and therefore I was creditworthy; nevermind that I had no income.  As with many other students, I defaulted on my credit cards. I went shopping and didn't realize that paying $10 a month on the balance would mean that to repay $200 it would take me over two years to repay. I didn't really care. I had cool clothes. I was part of the economic boom of the 1990s. The economy thrived on the selling of fantasies; and the lenders didn't care because they could just charge a higher interest on me because I was riskier, and then they would make more money on me. I can't even say how many credit card offers I received when I was considered to be "subprime."

So then the dot com bubble busted in 2000 (which, by the way, thrived on the selling of stock options, which was perpetuated by the investment banks who were funding all of the start-ups--not that the companies were actually worth what the analysts said they were worth). The market had skyrocketed above 10,000 for the first time, and shortly thereafter in March of 2000, it crashed. Margin calls were killing the brokerage firms and mass layoffs at all of the big firms in New York were accelerating. I remember going to visit my family in January, 2001, and I was on a train from Manhattan to King's Park, and I remember the looks on some of the guys' faces. You could tell bombs were dropping, and it was just the start. I overheard them talking about Goldman Sachs laying people off. In my job I worked with analysts on Wall Street, and it was unnerving, to say the least, to call a client and hear that they were laid off (or "no longer with us). That train trip was a sign of things to come. And then September 11th happened. 

Months later, in order to stimulate the economy, the fed decided to lower rates after it had raised rates numerous times. Many complained that the rate cuts were too late, but they were nonetheless happy to have them anyway. Interest rates plunged, and here the investors on Wall Street saw another golden opportunity. Lenders had been making money on subprime credit for years now, and once again there came another opportunity to sell a fantasy to millions of unassuming homebuyers. In all of the years past, those with poor credit or no income couldn't buy a house. Logically they wouldn't be able to afford the payments, and because mortgages are more than just a few thousand dollars, they historically wouldn't have qualified for the loans. A lender who is risk averse isn't going to take the guarantees loss...but wait! If they are subprime, then they are higher interest, and if they are higher interest, then those mortgages can be sold off to investors in the form of mortgage backed securities, and the firm will make money, as will the investors...and as long as the home values rise (just like they thought the stock market would keep going up up up), then they had a sound financial model. To explain: say Goldman Sachs agrees to issue funding to a mortgage company for $x billions of dollars. The mortgage company promises Goldman's a rate of return of 7% on the loans. 7%? Rates were down to 3%-4% back then? How could they promise that? Well, with subprime loans you can charge 10% interest if you want. The mortgage company will pocket a certain percentage and give the rest to Goldman's, and then Goldman's will then, in turn sell mortgage backed securities to investors around the world, which is how they continued to fund the loans....big problem here though: subprime buyers are subprime for a reason. They are a risk for a reason: they are not as responsible and are therefore much more likely to default, and even if the value of the home goes up, that doesn't mean they can afford the loans....but all of that didn't matter because they were able to get enough investors to fund them, and they made so much money that they were willing to ignore all of that, at least for a while. The reality is that while we can point finger at these lending institutions, the blame really and truly falls on us.

Fantasies. Dreams. Everyone wants a big house. We may say we don't need it and therefore we don't want it. But really, if you close your eyes and picture your dream house, surely it isn't a little bungalow. It's a big house with a nice yard and a couple of cars. Not that there's anything wrong with this vision; but we all know what we want, and those banks knew what we wanted too. They came along and gave loans to people who had no business getting a mortgage, and for a while everything was okay. But when a family has to work three jobs to make that mortgage payment, you know something isn't right. And if the economy should falter so that there are only two jobs, then we know we're in trouble. I think that a lot of people knew they couldn't afford the houses, but just for a little while, they could have the big house and live a better life, even if they would lose it in the end.

Technically we're not in a recession right now. The GDP has been at an anemic .6 for the past two quarters, so technically, there is no recession. But we all know that we are at the start of one. And from all of the signs that we have been given, this one could be bad. 

I think what most amazes me is the whole idea of investors thriving on losses. And I don't mean anything like a man getting rich while others go poor. What I do mean is that the Dow has been rising like it has NOT because investors felt the economy was going strong. They invested because they KNEW it would go down. Selling stocks on the idea that it will go down is called short selling, and I had listened to stories about short selling and how it has been the driving force behind the market's rise, but I had no idea just how bad this was. According to an article in Vanity Fair, the SEC is investigating two mortgage brokerage houses/hedge fund investors for essentially profiting off Bear Stearns' demise. According to the article, a rumor was intentionally started about them having liquidity problems, and even though it wasn't true, the rumor caused all of their investors to pull cash from the bank, which ultimately killed them. The real kicker here is that they believe that short sellers were behind the whole thing, which is also why the fed put a cap on shorting last week to prevent another bank from collapsing. So on the one hand, investors profited from high risk buyers, and then they decided to profit on the fallout once the bubble burst. Sure, it makes sense, but we need to ask, is it right? 

There's a question of morality here, and ultimately I do think it has to be addressed. One can look at the almighty dollar and argue that that's how businesses operate, but are we fooling ourselves into thinking that it actually works to do business that way, or are we coming into an era where we are getting what we deserve. A man with an income of $12,000/year should not get a credit card with a line of $20K, just as a couple with a combined income of $100K should NOT buy the $600K house--even if they are approved by the bank to buy it. It makes no sense, and even if someone is willing to fund the bad idea, it still shouldn't be done. I think that an economic downturn will force many of us to come to terms with taking on too much risk and being more realistic about what is and what is not impossible. The optimist in me counters with the idea that "anything is possible!" but I also know that I was raised on Disney.

Fried (lightly) green and spicy

Tonight I "fried" up some green tomatoes. Fortunately they had green tomatoes at Kroger, so I bought one and served it with a good old Southern dish of shrimp and grits (want the recipe? go to Foodnetwork.com and type in shrimp and grits. The recipe I used was Paula Deen's--modified of course..no way am I eating that much fat!).

So, here's how you make 'em:

1 green tomato

1/2 cup yellow corn meal

kosher salt

cayenne pepper

1 tb olive oil

Cooking spray

Combine corn meal, salt and a good shake of the pepper.

Heat olive oil on medium high

Slice up the tomato and dredge it in the cornmeal.

Fry the tomatoes until the cornmeal is golden brown. If you need to, use cooking spray to continue frying, as the tomato will soak up the oil.

Voila!

The cayenne pepper goes nicely with the tang of the green tomato. Yum!

Summertime, summertime

So I made the decision not to work at all this summer. This summer I planned to exercise, write, paint, read and hang out on the beach. So far I have succeeded on all fronts. 

My biggest accomplishment, so far, is exercising almost daily. I've been going on long walks and to the gym since I got back from Disney, and so far I have lost half an inch from my hips (where my body likes to store fat) and an inch from my waist. Yes, obviously my body likes to hold onto more down below than up above, which I read is good, b/c I'm at less risk for heart disease, although I think genetics are at play against me on that. So, yay! I'm feeling better now. My only worry is keeping this up once I go back to work. At least the gym is on the way home from my school. And now that I have gotten rid of the cursed grade level chair position that I had, I am hoping to have more time to actually focus on my students, and on me. 

Oh, we also bought a surfboard. :) We were planning on going out to the ocean today, but there's still a rip current warning in effect because of tropical storm Bertha, and yesterday a guy died in the bay, not even the ocean, from the rip current. So I think I'm going to play it safe and wait until things calm down. Sure, there are bigger swells, but the water is really rough right now.

So initially I thought we'd buy a house this summer, but given the fact that B's company laid off 5 employees, and with the whole bank debacle that is happening, I'm perfectly happy to be on our month to month lease, live 8 mins from the bay, and keep saving $, in the event that B should lose his job, which I don't think will happen. He has too much on his plate, and they don't usually give more work to those who they are considering giving the axe. Still, I'd rather be poised to move into something we can afford when things start to turn around, rather than buy when things are on the decline.

Long lost friends

This summer I have been getting in touch with long lost friends over Facebook. Two of the girls were friends of mine from high school. 

One of them moved to Fort Lee, NJ when we were juniors in high school. Her parents were separated and her mom decided to sell their house in Lynchburg and move to Florida. S and her mom were not exactly close and fought all the time, and so she moved up to live with her dad who was an executive for a major clothing brand. We kept in touch all throughout our junior year in high school, but when we were seniors, we stopped talking. I stopped calling her because I was mad at her for not seeming to care about our friendship; whether real or perceived, we stopped talking and lost touch. It was one of those cases where you always wonder "whatever happened to..." and I did. I always wondered what happened to her. So one night I was on Facebook and I did a search for Lynchburg, VA. I saw one guy I knew in high school, and he had about 400 people on his "friends" list, and S's little brother was on there, or so I thought. I sent him as message asking if he was her little brother, and yep, it was him! So then I sent her a message, and we've been keeping in touch since then. I am so happy I found her, after all these years. She's such a good person, and I regret making such an immature decision as I did, but hey, what can you do? I was an insecure teenager. 

The other girl I found was a good friend of mine from high school through my sophomore year in college. We were together a lot in high school. When I wasn't with Mary (as mentioned in a previous blog), I was with her. I hung out at her house on many days after school, and we rode horses together. Then she went off to VA Tech while I was at Longwood. During my sophomore year she pledged Kappa Delta and soon thereafter we stopped talking. I believe she was mad at me for things I said to her. I think I said I didn't like her shirt while we were drinking a few beers--yeah, rude, but not exactly jawdropping either, but I guess it was enough for her to call it quits. For some reason I always thought it was my fault that we stopped talking, but thinking about it, that wasn't my fault at all. I don't know what happened, but the result was the same: another friend gone. So this summer I found her in facebook and it turns out that she is in the area! I think she knows that our non-talking years weren't good, because she has written to let me know what's going on with her, and we're trying to get together this summer before I start teaching. I hope we can reconnect. I know our friendship will probably never be the same as it was, but having her back as a friend is also good. 

I guess the point of what I am saying is that I am glad to have the chance to find the people I lost along the way. The other day my dad was talking about trying to find a friend that he had lost when we in his 20s. Well, this past year he searched again on the internet, and he found his obituary. I felt so badly about that. But it also allowed me to be thankful to keep in touch with many of the close friends I have, and to reconnect with the ones I lost. I suppose that many of us experience this sudden disconnection. I also suppose that it's better to suck up your pride and get back in touch when you feel you should; otherwise, you could end up finding that person's obituary and feeling regret at a missed opportunity.

Identity Confusion

I'm pretty sure my cat does not know he's a cat. I think he thinks he's a dog.

When you think of a cat, what do you think of? Aloofness. Not really wanting to be bothered by you. This is why singles like having cats because they are low maintenance.  Not my cat.

When I went to the SPCA to adopt a kitten, I knew to look for health and energy. A lethargic kitten means a sick kitten, so I knew to look for energy. When I first saw Wayne, he was no bigger than the length of my forearm, and in his tiny little cage he was doing tuck-rolls while playing with a toy, and he was in his litter box, and oh yes, another kitten was in there with him, sleeping away. That was a healthy and smart (well, maybe not so much for the litter) kitty, in my opinion. I wanted to give all the kittens a chance, so I continued on and looked at the rest, keeping "Trouble," (his kennel name) in mind. But it really didn't take long for me to know that he was the one. I picked him up and he squirmed (still does), but then he began to purr, and I calmed him down (still do). That was in 2002, and I can't believe he's 6 years old now!

So, why is Wayne really a dog in cat's clothing? Well, he loves to play. Everyday, as much as he can. He still has his toys laying around, and yes, he plays fetch. He talks to us, constantly. If we say something to him, he always has something to say in return. And when he gets in trouble, he gives us lip! I'm not even kidding. If we say "Wayne! No!" he says, in no uncertain terms, "f-you." Oh, and he comes when you call him....he also has to be in the same room with you at all times. He isn't allowed in our bedroom, so what he does is he stays at the doorway and looks at us when we're in there. If you look at him while in the bedroom, he has words for us. Oh, and amongst the most un-cat-like qualities he has, it's that he requires fairly constant attention. He is not a cat that can just hang by himself and be happy. We keep a toy in the closet that is one of those rods with a mouse attached to the end. He will sit at the closet and meow until we take the toy out and play with him. 

No, I'm fairly certain Wayne thinks he's a dog. And I guess, because I don't have a dog, that'll do. :) 

Cleaning

This morning I awoke was a small case of the blues. I cannot say why I felt blue, but until after lunch I felt stress, but I wasn't sure why. And then I started to look around at all of my stuff. My closet had old winter sweaters dangling precariously from the edge, as if they were about jump. Receipts that I had yet to shred littered a chair in the corner of my room and then I looked inside one drawer in the bathroom. And so I began to organize and clean, starting with the dreaded closet. 

I have literally had sweaters from December sitting in a basket in my bedroom, with other more seasonably appropriate clothes piled on top. In the closet I had thrown various t-shirts on the same shelf with my sweaters and had not once put away my winter clothes, and yes, it is July. I took everything out of that shelf and yanked everything out of my impossibly small drawer and began the purging process. I had been holding onto clothes that I bought eight years ago when B and I first started dating, and could most certainly not wear again, as I am a little older and no longer need to wear smaller tops and such. Those clothes haven't yet been donated, but they were at least moved to a drawer in the guest room. I suppose when the next donation van comes around I'll throw them into the bag, along with other items I haven't touched. There is a certain sentimentality behind some of the items I have held onto, but at the same time, it is also true that as each year passes with B, I need to make way for the new, the future. So that is now all organized and folded away, and I promise that I will once again find myself in the same position, feeling stressed and pressured, but not knowing why, until I take a look at my closet. 

My drawer was worse than my closet. I had lipstick that I have had for about 9 years. No, I haven't worn it, but still, I had it. I also found some medicine that had expired. Away into my trash can it went.

Why do we hold into such meaningless things for so long? As I walked around the rest of my apartment, throwing things out that I have just moved from one location to the next, I realized that I had been holding on to many things that I have acquired since 2001 and even before. Is it a guilt for buying it in the first place, and then not wanting to throw it away, out of guilt? Or is it just that I try to hang on to things of the past because it gives me more security in the future? I sincerely think, with many things, that I could wear these things again, or that some day I will get use out of it, but ultimately I never do. I don't know, really, but I do know that I'm not alone in this. And I am hardly a pack rat, compared to many people I know.

But there is something....

I remember being in the fifth grade when my mother was enraged at me trying to get rid of clothes. I had balled them up and wrapped them in a blanket and shoved them under my bed. I was only 10, and that was about as much as I could do with getting rid of things back then. My mother found the balled up clothes and asked me why I did that. I told her the clothes didn't fit, and I couldn't wear them. In the true spirit of my mother, she then informed me that they didn't fit because I was too fat and that one day I would tip a park bench when I sat down if I didn't start to lose weight. After this inspiring speech, she told me that if I just held onto some of the clothes they would probably come back in style and I could wear them again. I know. It makes no sense. At first I'm too fat, and then I can wear them again when they come back in style.  I remember then that when she said awful things to me, silently to myself I ask, "How can you say thing to me? I'm your daughter." Somehow many mothers consider this a good way to make a child aware of their shortcomings: tell their daughters they're fat and maybe they won't end up like them. Tell a daughter to hold onto everything because you have let go of it all. 

One more thing happened that day. I had a nightmare. I don't remember what it was about, but I do remember waking up in hysterics, and when I ran downstairs to my dad, I saw my mom and started screaming when I saw her. Obviously she had gotten to me, and my dad had to wake me up with a gentle slap on the cheek.  And so it was that I started to hold onto things I no longer needed, and I developed a serious fear of being overweight.

When I went to see a therapist, I went in search of an answer: how do you get rid of these feelings that you created when you were young. How do you move on? The answer: you don't. You learn to cope. What is coping? Learning to deal.

I have learned to cope through making tiny baby steps towards normalcy, or whatever that actually is. I am okay with donating things I won't use. I am okay with putting on a little weight every now and then, and I most certainly don't refrain from eating or doing anything unhealthy. Now I try to stay in shape not because I think I'll tip a bench, but because I want to be healthy. I guess it's been long enough since that one day when I can just change and reverse course and realize that the woman who said these things to me was sick.

For me, cleaning is therapeutic. Just thank goodness it's not compulsive, and I also know that if the world gets out of order every once in a while, it's okay. It makes for a good day to purge all of the crap and reflect and realize that you've come a long way. 

Hot and spicy rice

If you're like me and make rice for your side dish quite often, you're probably looking for some sort of variation. Well, here you go:

1 cup chicken broth/stock

1 cup water

1 cup white rice (I use Basmati--the flavor has a nuttiness to it that I like, and it cooks quickly)

1 packet McCormick's Chicken taco seasoning.

Combine all ingredients together. Bring to a boil and once you have ample bubbling, remove from heat. Reduce the heat to low and place pot back on burner once enough time has passed for it to cool. Let it cook until tender, about 15-20 mins. Stir to make sure spices are thoroughly and evenly mixed in. 

I happened to prepare it with shrimp, which I put in a quesadilla. But, I found that the shrimp ON the rice was really good.

To cook shrimp:

Melt 1 tbs butter in a saute pan. 

Add 1.5 tsp minced garlic to butter and cook for about 1 min on medium heat.

Add up to 1 pound medium sized shrimp.

Sprinkle kosher salt all over.

If you like, add coriander and cumin and stir in.

Toss shrimp in butter, salt and garlic (and coriander and cumin--optional).

Add a good squeeze of lemon juice (enough to hear it sizzle)

Then add 1/4 cup white wine.

Let it simmer for about 5 mins, or until shrimp is thoroughly cooked, and you have a good smell coming from it all. 

Remove shrimp and serve on top of the rice from above. Mmmm.  

Are You Kidding Me?

I am flabbergasted. 

The milk industry has come out with a new jug that uses less plastic, cuts down on resources and is easier to ship and store. Not a big deal, right? Well, as you can see in this video, apparently it is.

Witness:

http://video.yahoo.com/search/?p=new+milk+jug

And yes, they even did a demonstration of how to pour from the new jug. 

Will this stop me from pouring/buying milk? NO. Will it ensure that I not watch Good Morning American, Today, etc? You betcha.