Honestly

Yesterday or the day before I was on ForeclosureListingsVA.com and I looked up the foreclosures in my area. I saw many bankruptcy listings in a posh area of Virginia Beach. These houses are listed in the multi-millions, and to be totally honest, I don't feel sorry for them at all. Yeah, it sucks to lose your house; but these very same people who are trying to sell their houses before the courts take them are the very same ones who prance around town as if they are the royalty of the area. They moved into the area and ran up the prices on the North End to the point that no one, not even they, can afford to live there. Somehow we were supposed to be in awe of their affluence. Really, I was in awe of their stupidity for buying at the height of a bubble, thinking somehow that their purchase would really make them better people in society.

I go to the "hoity-toity" gym in the area, and many of the trophy wives who live in the said area really do walk around with chips on their shoulders and rarely do you even get a glance your way. As if making a gesture towards someone they don't know is beneath them. There are some very nice people at that gym, but really, those ladies can go bankrupt for all I care. And to be totally honest, if these bankruptcies take a few Lexus SUVs (which I actually like, but wouldn't buy) off the road, so much the better.  I am also watching the prices on some houses go down, and they are almost within reach for what we want to pay. The crazy part is that we're qualified to buy way more than what we want, but we know better than to bite off more than they can chew. 

I suppose there really is a thing like Karma (but not actually Karma, because Karma is so much more than "what goes around comes around."). If you go around treating people like crap because you think you have more than everyone else, life will bite you in the ass. That is a fact, Jack.

1991

1991.

Everything I knew was on the brink of collapse. The recession had hit my family hard. Combined with a total disregard for financial prudence and a weakened demand for mail order tools, my family was on the precipice of complete collapse, both financially and emotionally. It took several years for this to hit, as it did not all hit at once. 

I actually remember when Wall Street crashed in 1987. The school day was normal, and my mother picked us up after school to go grocery shopping, which was a big deal for a family who lived out in the middle of nowhere. Grocery trips were not a daily occurrence; they were monthly trips that involved two carts and about four hundred dollars. Once we got home from shopping it was dark out, and I turned on the news. Back then there was no cable in our area, so I had nothing else to watch, so I watched the news. I remember them calling it Black Monday. I didn't understand what was happening, but I knew that stock brokers were losing a ton of money. I wondered if we would lose money too. From all outward appearances, everything was normal, but within 4 years I would learn that we would fall prey to Black Monday, as many others would.

In the years after Black Monday, strange things started to happen. I remember hearing a story on NPR (again, not much else available back then, so I listened to the news too) about the Japanese Yen, and I said to my father that our money was worth more than the Japanese's, and so I asked how they could buy up all of our businesses. He quickly countered my statement and told me that their money was worth much more than ours, by 7:1. For some reason, when he said this, I started to tear up. I'm not sure why, but I think it was because I didn't understand how it was possible, but I also always thought that my country was the richest, and therefore had the most valuable money. Little did I know back then. I remember seeing stories about foreign investors coming in and taking over US companies. It was also common knowledge that stock brokers were suicidal, and it was not unusual to hear a joke made about them in movies (most famously in Die Hard).

Yes, I also remember the news stories about the Savings and Loans crisis, which spawned the failure on hundreds of banks and thrifts (and, coincidentally, is how my former employer started a company--by creating a company that provided financial information about thrifts). Back then I really had no idea what was happening, but I do remember the congressional hearings (BTW: does anyone else remember the Iran-Contra Hearings on ABC? I do...they were on all of the time during my summer at home).

I sensed a change around the year 1989-1990. My father had a heart attack. The drugs he was on made him incoherent and aggressive, but we were supposed to tip toe around him and make sure he ate rubbery chicken and vegetables. I even remember making him chicken that was microwaved. I'm sure it was terrible, but I was his little girl, and I would take care of him. 

During the same time my mother's irrational spending was not abating, and she wanted to go to Disney World. My dad sat down on my bed and told me of their plans. I asked him if we could really afford it, since he had been sick, and things were tighter. I wasn't even 13 at the time, and yet I pointed out this obvious fact to him. Later on he told me that their trip would be postponed for another year. I should have taken note of a 12 year old telling her parents that going on a trip wasn't very wise, but I was proud of myself for realizing this fact. 

December 1990. I sat in my parent's office talking on the phone with a bubbly friend who hadn't a clue about the rest of the world. I think I was grounded, although I cannot remember why (funny, since I remember major events, but not as much about myself). On the news there was a story about how the malls were empty during the Christmas season and consumer spending was low. I remember seeing images of a few shoppers passing through with no bags in hand, as they were simply window shopping. I wondered if my parents were in the same predicament. That year our presents were far fewer than they had been in the past few years. My clothes consisted of one green sweater (I still have it) and one sweater from LL Bean. I was also given a blanket and a teddy bear in an astronaut uniform. Oh! I also got Dr. Mario. three years earlier, I was given at least 20 presents, and we went to Disney World for Christmas. Things were changing.

December 1991.

My father sold his furniture refinishing business to a former partner and decided to sell tools through mail order. He decried his profession and swore he could not do it any longer, even if it meant losing more money. I used to help him bag, weigh and label the tools to get them ready for shipping. He moved his office from a stand along building to a room in our horse barn. He bought a cordless phone that had an amazing range. That Christmas, I was given the cordless phone, wrapped in a paper bag. My father also gave my mother a white teddy bear with a red rose in its paws. She gave the bear to me, and said that he couldn't win her over with cheap presents. I took the bear and held onto it. I saw it as a gesture of effort. She saw it as a pathetic attempt to salvage their relationship. By the end of 1991, my parents' marriage was essentially over. My father slept in a separate room, while my mother kept the master bedroom. She told lies about him while he quietly tried to survive because he knew she would not be there for us in the end.

1991 was the second most dark year of my life, next to 1992 (which I will refrain from detailing in this blog). When I think about what our country is going through right now, in 2008, I wonder how many families are suffering like ours did back then. I wonder how many families are collapsing because of the financial strain they are under. Marriage is hard enough, but add kids and financial worries together, and it can be devastating. I definitely feel as though we are actually years off from the bottom, and that this is just the beginning. I pray that I am wrong. I pray that our nation rebounds. Apparently I have always been interested/concerned about money, as I have always paid attention to such matters, ever since I was 10 years old. I can only hope that my students won't have similar tales to tell when they are my age.  

Ridiculous

School of Hard Knocks Gym is in session...and the sun has set and it's dark out; and yet I hear, "thump, thump, thump..."

Ridiculous. 

'Nuff said.

New Season and Out with the Old...

You know the rest of that line, o' course. 

Today I am happily putting away my summer seasonal decorations and putting out my fall candles and colors. When I was a kid I loved changing out the tablecloths and candles, pulling out new decorations in honor of the current season. Even though I despise winter, I try to do my best to be positive about each season and I do that by changing  the scenery in our house. I have found that even putting out items in January helps to ease the pain of my winter blues. What can you put out in January? Well, I like to use whites and blues to capture the colors of ice and snow. I use white flowers, crystal and ice blue place mats. Hm...perhaps I have an idea for a blog brewing. 

Happy Fall! 

Time to Start Saving Nuts for the Long Hard Winter

Okay, no, Virginia Beach never gets really cold. I am speaking metaphorically, of course. 

For many reasons I am SO HAPPY that B and I did not buy a house. I am so happy my husband is such a miser; because it appears as though we may need to bear down and hold onto what we have for a good long while. I am thankful I have a job. I am thankful that I am the second-most senior on my team at school. I have been at my school for two years, and that is one more than another teacher on my team, and we always have 4 spots on my team. If I get tenure, I will also have security.  I am also thankful that despite our misgivings about B's company, they have enough overseas investors that they will likely survive the current "recession" and he will hopefully continue to do well. If he does end up losing his job (I do not think he will, even if they let others go--but they are still talking about hiring), then it may be hard, but I know we will be okay. The last thing I would want would be a higher mortgage payment to deplete our savings....and speaking of, I am going to continue to pile my winter food stock away, just in case we need it. I am thankful that B has been doing this for the past 8 years.

Yes, I am thankful. 

Ah, kids

As adults we all have stories about our parents, about all of the bad things they said to us, or all of the times we got in trouble or were yelled at; and then as we get older, we harbor resentment and feel as though we got jipped. I wonder though, how bad were our childhoods, really? Is it just that kids tend to focus on the negative, especially if they are raised in more negative households? I ask this because the more I work with kids, the more I realize how much of a raw deal we as adults get.  

Last year I had a student who had a lot going against him. He wanted to do well in school, but let's just say he only had but so much grey matter to help him learn. Despite this, I encouraged him on a daily basis. I called on him every single time he wanted to answer a question, even if he was wrong, and I always gave him the proverbial pat on the back, no matter how miserably he failed when he tried to recall the most basic of facts. Yet despite this, in March of last year I had a meeting with his parents who said I was too negative with him because he got a note home after a day of misbehavior. I pointed out to the parents that although that may have been what their son remembered, the reality is that I was very encouraging and patient with him, and I was one of his biggest cheerleaders. BTW, he passed his standardized tests that year, and it was the first time he had ever passed reading and social studies. Something I did worked. But what he remembered was when he had that note sent home. I became a "mean" teacher even though I was just doing what any teacher would have done. Oh, and during the whole school year I sent home TWO notes. TWO. He just happened to be the lucky recipient.

So fast forward to this year. I have a student who is an awesome girl. She is bright, outgoing and energetic. She has a tendency to want to be the mother hen, even though that is not her job. At the beginning of the year she was pointing out what the others kids WERE NOT doing, and she pointed out that something I said was wrong. I quietly pulled her aside and told her that she needed to focus on what people were doing well, and to let me handle things when kids were not doing what they should. Aside from that, she participates, writes songs, does all kinds of things, AND she was student of the week. Alas, when she went to see her old teacher from last year, she told her about the beginning of the year and trying to not get into people's business, and how I had a talk with her. She didn't mention being student of the week or anything else. She focused on the negative. So I guess this is why teachers will go negative on kids. If all they remember is the negative, then what is the point in being positive at all? Of course I know the answer. I know that someday they will look back and know that I wasn't so bad, that they weren't being fair, as I have demonstrated in the above paragraph. 

It's hard though. I really try to be positive and supporting, but that doesn't mean that I won't have words with kids, and that doesn't mean that they get to do what they want whenever they want. There are rules and boundaries, and they know where they are with me. And if I say something (I'm not a yeller), then that does not make me mean.

A plea

Moms: if you are looking for something to do because your kids are in school, don't try to fill your time by always wanting to volunteer at school all of the time. I have NO problem with parents helping out, but I have a mother who quit her job to be a SAHM, and essentially she needs something to do during the day, so she has e-mailed me at least once each week to let me know that she is available to help out. She has a reputation for being a hovering mother who babies her child.  She has been known to e-mail teachers literally 8 times in a day. This is too much. I told this mom that because I teach older kids, that I don't usually need a volunteer in the room. Her son isn't a K student. He's 10 going on 11. I also told her our Science lab needs volunteers, so she can do that. But seriously, when I told her I would keep her in mind I felt as though I was saying I would keep her resume on file. I do believe she needs to go back to work, even if it's just part time working at Barnes and Noble or something. She obviously needs fulfillment, and since her kids are older, she's bored now. I wish I could help her, but really, I do not need a hovering parent in my room. I feel even stronger about this because at open house I could see that while a video from the PTA was on, she wasn't watching. She was scanning the room and looking at all of the other parents. Yeah. I am well aware of parents who like to spy so they can know what's going on. I'm not playing that game. Perhaps she's a power mom, but I'm the queen bee of my class.

The sad thing is that she really is very nice. But she's hovering and she's bored. Sorry, but I will keep her resume on file.

Holy Bailouts Batman!

$85 Billion loan to AIG, the nation's largest insurer, thanks to the federal reserve. Apparently, if AIG isn't rescued, the fallout would be "unprecedented." It is so large that if it failed, not only would the US be negatively affected, but over 120 countries would also be negatively affected as well. And when I say "negatively affected," I am understating what I foresee as the true consequence. Going back to the 1930s, the Great Depression wasn't caused by any one thing. It was created by a series of events which pulled the country further and further down, and it only improved after the US entered into WWII. 

True, the crash of '29 definitely set everything into a tailspin, but the crash was precipitous in that it was the result of people taking on debt which they could not afford, banking on the stock market AND real estate as well as oil prices rising ever higher, that it eventually had to come crashing down. (BTW: when you hear someone say something will just keep going up, well, Einstein and Newton can tell you that that isn't exactly true, and for something to truly keep going, the momentum would have to be so great that it could escape all of the natural forces of this universe...unfortunately, no economic model shows this phenomenon). 

Coupled with the decline in the stock market, real estate also crashed in the late 20s. In Thomas Wolfe's "You Can't Go Home Again," Wolfe writes about himself (albeit in a fictional prose) after he returns home from publishing his first novel (Look Homeward, Angel), and in it he describes the real estate market of the late 1920s based mostly on speculation and dreams. I remember that as I read it, I felt like we were going through similar motions, even though agencies like the FDIC had been created to insure people's money in banks. 

In addition to the crashes of the stock and real estate market, among many other things that happened, there was the weather. The Dust Bowl hit in the plains, and hurricanes ravaged the pricey market of Miami, FL, leveling much of people's investments in estate in FL. 

Much of what happened in the US also spread out to the rest of the world. True, Europe had already experienced its own depression in the wake of WWI, but the US's troubles exacerbated conditions which led to needy people looking for a leader who could pull them out of poverty and into power and wealth. We all know who that leader was, of course, with his infamous mustache and powerful influence. Had the world not been in the state it was, I doubt Hitler would have ever rose to power.

My point in saying all of this is threefold. A. As much as I disagree with bailing out all of these companies, I think the AIG bailout is necessary, as they are too globally linked. B. As the fed continues to bailout companies, are they just delaying the inevitable? Is there really just only so much that the world financial markets can take before a total collapse happens?  C. Obviously many people profited off of the real estate bubble. So where is their money going now? If so many people invested their money and actually did well, then it should stand to reason that there is still money there. So where is it? It has to be somewhere. I wonder. I would like to know...and then create a business to get them to invest in my company.

Of course, I tie it back to my family. I worry about B keeping his job, even though the are hiring more people again. Their plan is based on getting a line of credit. They also plan to buy distressed properties at 70% of their value, and then resell it for the 100% value. Their target markets? Vegas, Phoenix and Detroit. I forbid B to go on walk-throughs for these places...they have basically said that they are willing to look the other way for criminals who want to rent. Words cannot convey how I feel about this. I want B to have a good career, but at what cost? And for that matter, will they even be able to get the line of credit with this plan? Sounds like a risk to me. I wouldn't lend them money....and then there are my aunt and uncle, who have done very well...I just hope they have all of their assets protected, b/c there is a chance the FDIC would not be able to insure much of what they have....and of course I worry about my sister for reasons I do not want to go into in here. Let's just say I hope that reason prevails ahead of hopes and dreams for my brother-in-law. Dreams are great, and they are motivation, but then there are responsibilities, and their names are K, B, C and C.

Hello

Today I learned how to say hello in Chinese. I have a student who is Chinese, and she taught me hello and goodbye. She speaks Mandarin, which is obviously useful to know. So anyway, hello sounds like nyee-how. I don't remember goodbye. But I am hoping to pick up some Mandarin this year. Even if I can't read it, it would be cool to know some phrases. 

 

Career Talk

When I was in grad school I thought I would only be in the classroom for three years; then I would move on to get my EdS or PhD in administration and that would be that. I am now in my fourth year of teaching, and as I have said before, there is no way I would be a school administrator. 

Over the summer I thought I would go back to school, while teaching, and get my EdS in Reading Education. I went to my first class on Tuesday with high hopes of learning something new. The only problem was that when I was at JMU my Reading Ed classes--two semesters worth--were taught by UVa professors, and so when I scanned the syllabus, it had all of the same materials and requirements as in my classes at JMU. How disappointing. The class focuses on early childhood, and well, having my Master's in Early Childhood essentially covered that foundation already. Next semester there is a class that focuses on Diagnostics and Assessments in the upper elementary to high school grades. I am very anxious to take that class. Since my background is actually in early childhood and not elementary, it does limit me for teaching older kids; although I have come to realize that there isn't a whole heck of a lot of difference between the age groups. They are all still babies. It's just that the older ones can understand more. Still, I want to learn about how I can better help them as their reading teacher. 

What's interesting to me is that the other day I was talking with another teacher, who was a reading specialist, about a child who was clearly not reading on grade level, and I suspect she is actually on a second or third grade level for comprehension. She reads beautifully, but she hasn't a clue about what she is reading. I told J that I was going to give her more assessments to determine her level of phonological awareness. She told me she was impressed that I have that knowledge to do such a thing, as most teachers do not. I found that to be both complimentary to me and insulting to other teachers. But I wonder, as a teacher, how could you not want to know what is the reason for a child's shortcomings? If a child is not performing at a certain level, how can one just not even delve into what is really going on? I understand time limitations, but to not figure this out is really harming the child.

My suspicion is that my student is not decoding words. I think she is actually activating the right side of her brain, which is the visual side. Reading and language processing actually should take place on the left hemisphere, not the right. So when she is trying to read, her brain is in overdrive trying to visually access each word, so in the end, she hasn't a clue about what she has read. Readers with dyslexia also do this. I don't know if she is dyslexic, but I suspect that when she didn't get her phonics in K-1, because she was quiet and unassuming, she never really learned what she needed to know for reading. 

I guess I wonder, why didn't someone else look further into her? It's easy enough to say "she's just low," but isn't it our job to help her not be low anymore? Isn't the point of what we do to help, not to hinder? I guess we have motivations that are all different. As for me, I got into teaching because I wanted to help other people and to make a difference in other people's lives and consequently for the future. To that end, I wonder what path will really help kids? Will being a reading specialist truly help? because what I have noticed is that unless you are rock-bottom low, or unless you have a high ability with low performance, everyone in between is left to tread water or sink. Reading specialists often do not see kids who fall in the middle of the range. If I became a specialist, would I really help? Or is it that I DO need to get into administration to really help? I don't know what the answer is. Sometimes I think my best purpose is in the classroom and not sitting up above looking down on all of the other teachers. I guess I will figure it out. My passion is still the brain, and that passion drives not WHAT I teach, but HOW. 

To that end, I am seriously thinking about getting my National Board Certification. It's a time intensive and extensive process, but I think it could be very good for me, and it would also mean an $8,500 increase in my salary each year. Not too shabby. I think I want to go for this. 

Should I just say I want to do it all? I am presenting at a teaching conference in April. A guy named Ron Nash wants me to share my before and after results of incorporating active learning in the class room, which is based on brain research--he is currently writing a series of books about active learning (secretly I would like to work with him)...I want to take reading classes and I want to get my Board certification. Can I do all of this? I don't think I have a choice. Yes. This is my career. This is my passion. 

Laugh of the Day

One of the main benefits of having the same group of kids all day is that I can actually remember what they say that is actually funny. Last year I had a hard time remember what a kid said to me because I had 45 of them talking at me. This year is different.

I have a student in my class who is quite the interesting bird. When he first arrived in my room, I wasn't sure if he was just really slow, or what. His speech is very careful and he is also very quiet. He won't do anything for work until he is sure of exactly what he is supposed to do. I started to see what he was doing, and I could see that he was quite bright, just unique. At the end of the day today, he started talking to me about where he is in the book Holes, which is what the whole class is reading. He said that he was at the part where a character named Zero started to speak to Stanley, and although Zero couldn't read very well, he was amazing at math. Then the student told me that Zero chooses not to talk, even though he is very smart.  I looked at the child and said, "You kinda feel like Zero?" He nodded and said with a slight smile, "Yep...only sometimes I think questions people ask me are stupid, so I just don't say anything at all." Well now! That clears up that. I hope I haven't insulted his intelligence. 

Little Miss Independent

Had yet another discussion about having kids with Barry. For those who know Barry, we all know he is afraid of change. So right now, as he grapples with the idea of change, in terms of having a family, he keeps finding himself questioning whether or not he will have any independence once we have a family. Now, I can most certainly say that I cannot say definitely that things will happen in any one way when we have kids. I think before people have kids we can have ideas about how things will be, but from all of the mothers I know, I think it's a good idea not to really plan on things being any one way. What I have learned is that when it comes to kids you have to figure it out as you go along, and you have to do what works for you and for the child....and then once you have it figured out, they change. Even being a teacher allows me to find this out. But as B and I were talking, I started to realize, I am not independent now. 

Of course any spouse who reads this would laugh and say "of course you are not independent!" but I think the events of my life have forced me to try and make it myself in this world, even when others offer to help. But really, when it gets down to it, I am not independent. As I have been with B, and as our life together has grown, I have a greater sense of responsibility towards taking care of us and him than of taking care of me. I have to force myself to be okay with doing things for me and not feeling guilty when I am not doing things for him. I hear moms say they feel this way. Maybe it's also just a responsible female feeling: guilt.

Sure, I have moments and periods where I am able to do what I want to do, which I know will surely change once I have a newborn, but simply being married has changed how I am able to operate on a daily basis. If I had my druthers, I would eat popcorn for dinner and be totally fine with snacking all day. If I had things my way, I would have a maid. I do not get to do what I want to do, at least not most of the time. I think this is why I actually like teaching; I do have control over what I am doing, even if I have no true control over my students. To be fair, I can't say that I have a restricted life, per se, it's just more a feeling of responsibility towards others and less myself. Yes, I know, once kids come, I'll have even less than I do now. I do hope, however, that I can still find a way to still be a little bit of me, to still have some me time, even if it's a few minutes every once in a while. I hope that isn't too much to ask. 

B asked if when we had kids if he would be able to do things with his friends again. I would not ever want to feel like I am oppressing him, and I have never been given any reason to believe that he wouldn't want to be at home anyway. I want him to have friends. I also want to keep my friends and have my own life in whatever way I can. I know it will be hard and a major change, but I still think it's a worthy change and something I still want. I know that B is just going through what he does every time a change is coming, but it isn't easy to go through with him. I'm not worried about it ultimately, but it isn't easy sometimes. I think, though, that he has to go through this for us to get to where we are going. What's so weird is that I have so many worries and fears, but it's still something I want. I guess that desire outweighs all of my fears, and I suppose it's my overall optimism that leads me to charge ahead, even if I am as scared as he is. I guess that's how we're different. I see them as challenges to overcome. He sees them as potential reasons to not do something. I think we'll meet in the middle and be fine.