Little Miss Independent

Had yet another discussion about having kids with Barry. For those who know Barry, we all know he is afraid of change. So right now, as he grapples with the idea of change, in terms of having a family, he keeps finding himself questioning whether or not he will have any independence once we have a family. Now, I can most certainly say that I cannot say definitely that things will happen in any one way when we have kids. I think before people have kids we can have ideas about how things will be, but from all of the mothers I know, I think it's a good idea not to really plan on things being any one way. What I have learned is that when it comes to kids you have to figure it out as you go along, and you have to do what works for you and for the child....and then once you have it figured out, they change. Even being a teacher allows me to find this out. But as B and I were talking, I started to realize, I am not independent now. 

Of course any spouse who reads this would laugh and say "of course you are not independent!" but I think the events of my life have forced me to try and make it myself in this world, even when others offer to help. But really, when it gets down to it, I am not independent. As I have been with B, and as our life together has grown, I have a greater sense of responsibility towards taking care of us and him than of taking care of me. I have to force myself to be okay with doing things for me and not feeling guilty when I am not doing things for him. I hear moms say they feel this way. Maybe it's also just a responsible female feeling: guilt.

Sure, I have moments and periods where I am able to do what I want to do, which I know will surely change once I have a newborn, but simply being married has changed how I am able to operate on a daily basis. If I had my druthers, I would eat popcorn for dinner and be totally fine with snacking all day. If I had things my way, I would have a maid. I do not get to do what I want to do, at least not most of the time. I think this is why I actually like teaching; I do have control over what I am doing, even if I have no true control over my students. To be fair, I can't say that I have a restricted life, per se, it's just more a feeling of responsibility towards others and less myself. Yes, I know, once kids come, I'll have even less than I do now. I do hope, however, that I can still find a way to still be a little bit of me, to still have some me time, even if it's a few minutes every once in a while. I hope that isn't too much to ask. 

B asked if when we had kids if he would be able to do things with his friends again. I would not ever want to feel like I am oppressing him, and I have never been given any reason to believe that he wouldn't want to be at home anyway. I want him to have friends. I also want to keep my friends and have my own life in whatever way I can. I know it will be hard and a major change, but I still think it's a worthy change and something I still want. I know that B is just going through what he does every time a change is coming, but it isn't easy to go through with him. I'm not worried about it ultimately, but it isn't easy sometimes. I think, though, that he has to go through this for us to get to where we are going. What's so weird is that I have so many worries and fears, but it's still something I want. I guess that desire outweighs all of my fears, and I suppose it's my overall optimism that leads me to charge ahead, even if I am as scared as he is. I guess that's how we're different. I see them as challenges to overcome. He sees them as potential reasons to not do something. I think we'll meet in the middle and be fine.